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Saturday, May 2, 2015

Thank You Universe

Watching Grey's Anatomy again on Thursday night and how everyone dealt with Derrick's death...there were a 2 different parts which hit me over other's. I wanted to remember them and share them with you...

The 1st one is a conversations between Amelia (Derrick's sister, a neurosurgeon) and Owen (the chief MD at the hospital as well as a possible love interest of Amelia). Amelia is a recovering drug addict.
Amelia: I have a Baggie full of black market oxy codeine in my jacket pocket. And I'm trying to decide whether or not to take it. I've got the dead Derrick thing completely managed. I know people are worried. Since he has died everyone has been looking at me waiting for me to fall apart or freak out or just become a mess. Like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off. My mother has been calling 3-4 times a day. Jasmine has been calling everyone. Makes sense. It's natural. Every man I have ever loved has died including my baby. Thank you universe. So it should be like Greek tragedy turned to stoned bad crack crazy but I am good. I got this. I'm fine. I'm telling you I am amazing. I'm saving lives left and right, I am putting butts in the seats in that OR gallery. People are fighting to hear me lecture. I am entertaining joke, joke, joke. I am funny. I am fun, I am a party I am doing I'm great. I'm handling the dead Derrick thing really well. Except today I yelled at Richard; he was only trying to invite me for coffee. And then I went and scored a bag of oxy from this junkie doctor. ..... It was fine. It was managed. ....

Owen: All that stuff you are managing, you are not supposed to be managing it.  You are supposed to be feeling it, grief, loss, pain, it is normal. It is not normal to you because you have never done it. It's a feeling, a feeling of grief, pain, you shoved it all down and you do drugs, instead of moving through the pain you run from it. It's tough. Dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid, this horrible feeling that is all there. I even run from it. I run off and I sign up for another tour of active duty. We do these things, we run off and we medicate, we do whatever it takes to cover it up, dull the sensation but it's not normal we are supposed to feel. We are supposed to love and hate and hurt and grief and break and be destroyed. And we build ourselves to be destroyed again. And that is human, that is humanity. That's being alive. That's the point. That's the entire point don't avoid it. Don't extinguish it. 

There are times when I run, we all run, but more then not we feel and we deal because we have to...but many times I am heartbroken...I know I will become more heartbroken as times goes on but eventually I will come back and continue to deal, because all that is human, that is humanity. That;s being alive. That's the point. That's the entire point don't avoid it. Don't extinguish it. 


The 2nd part is at the end of the show when Meredith's is remembering her mother and Derrick...
I have to believe there is a way. There has to be a way to step off the carousel to start again. To start fresh. There has to be a way to leave all my ghosts behind. You are anything but ordinary. You have a choice. It's a choice I'm making to move forward. To move past this I can do that. I can do that. All I have to do is begin. 

Eventually, all I will have to do is to begin again...



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