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Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Is It Over Yet?

Some nights sleep does not come easy...my mind wanders...to many, many different places. The other night when sleep did not come so easily to me, I decided to lay there and not move, regardless of what I needed or wanted, just lay there and stare. I had an itch, nope could not take care of it, I wanted to turn the TV on, nope needed to lay there. Brian was sleeping so I had no one to help me....I did not want to wake him up because of my game. That is just it, laying there and not moving was a game for me but for Ian and others like him it is not a game, it is real life. My heart broke a little more the other night while I was playing my game...to understand even just a little bit of what it is like for him. I will try very hard to keep all of this in mind during the times I get frustrated with Ian for needing something over and over again. Ian is more my hero because I played the game...It makes me even more ready, ready for him to be able to run free, ready for him to be out of pain, do things for himself...but still not ready in other ways...I am sure there is a part of me that will never be completely ready...

A few weeks ago I was speaking with one of the clergy at the synagogue and he reminded me of the song...IS IT OVER YET? Written by Billy Kirsch, Sung by Wynonna Judd

Tell me when I can open my eyes
I don't want to watch you walk out that door
There's no easy way to get through goodbye
I'd probably try and talk you into staying once more

Or I'd lie and say it's all for the best

Wish you luck and say, "I have no regrets,"
But I'm not upto being strong
So I'll wait until you're gone
Is it over yet? Is it over yet?

A taxi's waiting in the driveway for you

You call my name, I guess you're ready to leave
I'd like to help you with a suitcase or two
But I'm afraid, I'm gonna windup down on my knees

I should tell you that I want you to go

I really need to spend some time on my own
Smile and say, "Goodbye"
So you don't see my dying inside
Is it over yet? Is it over yet?

I should lie and say, "It's all for the best"

Wish you luck and say, "I have no regrets"
But I'm not up for being strong
So I'll wait until you're gone
Is it over yet? Is it over yet?

Laying there....brought back the words of the song as well....am I ready...is it over yet?

FYI....Ian is doing well. The last week was a little rough with pain but after some increases in medicine, his pain is back under control. 

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Susan Heneson Kornblatt You are amazing and continue to share your strength through your beautiful writing. Wishing you and of course Ian restful nights.

Michelle Bar-av Love you all

Sandra Huller and hugs..... Lots and lots of hugs....!

Carye George Everett Sending hugs! You are one strong momma!

Adena Baer Strongest people I know

Jennifer Larsen Orlando You are so strong. Thinking of you.

Michal Katz I'm always amazed at how clearly you describe your journey, Marci. And always, always in awe of your empathy, patience, and love. Thinking of you and Ian, and the whole family.

Marlene Ettlin You are truly unbelievable

Arlene Stein I cried for you,for your game. You amaze me.I am always praying for you and your beautiful family.

Marci Phillips Every time I read an update of yours, I remember that heroes are ordinary people facing extraordinary challenges with exceptional grace and courage.
Like · Reply · 3 · 16 hrs

Melissa Klawans Cohen Xoxo

Stacy Berman Lunenfeld You're amazing Marci. As is your whole family.

Anonymous said...

Jamie Nathanson Miller Hugs super family!

Irene Summers Gordon Gellar A woman of valor and a family of heroes

Benjamin Levey You are all amazing. Thank you for sharing this very personal journey with the rest of us. I personally continue to learn so much from you every time you choose to share a little bit of your journey.

Alicia Katznelson Broth Marci, this is so beautifully and powerfully expressed. You never cease to amaze me with your ability to put some of your thoughts and feelings into words. I hope that getting it down helps you even a fraction of the amount that it is helping all of us learn what real strength, honesty, empathy, love, and courage are all about. {{{hugs}}}

Leslie Kapper Sands Ian is one lucky little guy to have you for a mom! You inspire all of us!

Daean Menke I know my dear friend. HUGS

Carole Miller Glick Sending you hugs ......

Alan Guttman Easy to understand where Ian gets his strength.

Harriett Slatow Marci, you are truly an inspiration and Ian is very lucky that you are his mom!!

Anonymous said...

Harry Blacker Beautiful words and thoughts Marcy you're such a strong individual it was great seeing you on Sunday thanks for the invite love to everybody

Jodie Slatow Nahum Marci everything you write is so real and so touching. It blows me away. You are amazingly strong.