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Thursday, August 27, 2015

Just Another Day

As I sit on my bed, the tears come easily. Thinking of other parents daily/nightly routines. Thinking of all the other boys in middle school, bonding with each other. Doing homework, running around outside.

It comes and goes. The grief. The anger. The hurt. The laughter. The joys. The smiles.

Many thoughts go through my mind when others share what theirs are doing, part of me wants to know, the other part of me does not. Please share regardless...I will mourn silently. 

The world goes on while I grieve for a child I haven't lost.

It is a very different pain to others. I know the pain of not having children. I know the pain of losing a yet-to-be-born baby. I know the pain of losing someone very close. I know that feeling of despair and anger and hopelessness. People understand when they know you have loved and lost. But very few know the pain of grieving a child you have not lost but know you will. 

I get to read to my son. I get to bathe him and dress him and kiss him. I hear him laugh when I tickle him and get to hear the sweet whisper of his voice. I get to have wonderful conversations with him. Yet, I still mourn the little boy who used to scream at his father, sister and myself; or sing with us. I grieve for the little boy who played in the sprinkler, who swam in the bathtub during his "playtime". I grieve for his gross and fine motor skills he has lost...no more walking or sitting and sliding around the house; no more cutting paper up into tiny pieces - what I would give to have to clean up many tiny pieces of paper from the floor. Now I can only dream about what his voice would sound like as he ages, what games he would enjoy playing, would he be a good athlete; the part of him that will never be. And I feel the loss and pain of that.

I grieve for all the milestones I have missed and will never have with him. I think about how much others might take for granted. Their children going off to school every morning, coming home to tell mom or dad about their day. We haven't experienced things others take for granted and that I believe should be part of childhood. There is a loss and a sadness for times that might been but will never be.

There is sadness that he cannot do things with his twin sister. Pain relying on others to tell me about his day/night when I should hear it from him. There is a lump in my throat when people ask what he wants for his birthday or Hanukkah -- there are not many things he likes to do anymore. There is pain seeing the frustration in his eyes when others must play for him - it's just not the same as playing yourself. 

He is here, but in many ways he isn't.

I have a son. He is my pride and joy. I am so proud of everything he does. But I still grieve for him, for the things he will never achieve and the experiences he will never have. And I grieve for myself as a parent when I see a world of parenting I can only ever dream about. 

As I sat on my bed, the tears came easily -- tears of heartache and anger, tears of frustration and pain.

It is all part of the journey. Before I can move on I need to grieve for the loss. And grieving takes time.

So please forgive me and support me. Life goes on and I understand that. I have no bitterness at that.

But sometimes those tears are needed. Bear with me as I grieve for a child I haven't lost, but know one day I will.


6 comments:

Lisa Lewis said...

Very, very powerful words, incredible.

Lisa Lewis said...

Very, very powerful words, incredible.

Beachberm said...

:-(

Marci Scher said...


Val Kilgallon Beautifully written.

Mindy Rose Siegel Marci no words to describe what you make me feel.... Sending hugs and love your way..

Monique Erdos-Gertner You write so eloquently that through your words I feel the pain, yet sense the joy in the things you can do. I think of you all often. Miss seeing you. Hope you find an ease in emotion soon. 😘

Michelle Bar-av Love you cousin

Melody Ballan Cooper There are no words to describe your loving and tender words

Deana Munchow Marci, you always put things in perspective for me. My heart breaks reading this.

Marci Scher said...

Marlene Ettlin So beautifully written. I wish there was something I could do for you. ❤ ❤
Unlike · Reply · 1 · August 27, 2015 at 8:50pm

Franny Lerner love to you Marci. I'm sorry for your pain.

Sheri Pazornik Goldscher You continue to amaze and inspire... xoxoxo

Melissa Hicks Willen Love you

Elizabeth Shamash Weatherholtz Thanks so much for sharing your experience. Thinking of you and your family. ❤ ❤

Beth 'Tama' Weintzweig You shouldn't have to apologize for how you feel. Thank you for sharing. Sharing your experience puts things in perspective...appreciate every day and don't sweat the small stuff

Gina Cohen A good cry is necessary at times. No apologies needed for your sadness. I think of you often. Sending big hugs your way.

Rebecca Goldstein Written so lovely and thx for sharing. Always thinking of your family. Sofia says hi to Becca and Ian.

Irina Brusilovsky Goldsmith Luv ya

Karen Schmidt McClelland Thank you for your authenticity and vulnerability. They are truly a gift to all of us and so rare these days. Standing with you in your grief

Nancy Polack Kaplan Stay strong because you have no other choice. I knew similar pain during the 12 years of David's illness. Despite having a totally different life than you had hoped and imagined for him, he is here and you and everyone is grateful for that. I know you cherish every second even though it is a difficult struggle. God bless you all.

Irene Summers Gordon Gellar Sharing your intimate thoughts give strength and admiration to those who know you and your family. You are so very brave!

Marci Scher said...

Anne Polakoff King Hang in there. Your village is right there with you.

Aliza Davids Your Chai Lifeline family is with you ❤

Erika Agetstein Buchdahl Xoxo

Jill Pelovitz Honest and real. No one can "know" what it is like if they haven't experienced it but you do a beautiful job explaining it and sharing your experience.

Gila Biegacz sending love and hugs

Adena Baer 💙 ❤ 💙

Vivian Chait Your village is grieving with you! Just soak in all of Ians vibes!

Carye George Everett Oh Marci, I wish there was something I could do to help out. I am here for you anytime and pray you get comfort in all of the support you have. I remember the summer that Britt had her stroke and Tori had her emergency open heart surgery and brain surgery back to back. It was so hard seeing and reading what my friends were doing with their children who don't have special needs. It put me in a deep depression that was almost unbearable. Our 'normal ' changes day to day. Some are good and some are bad. Today is a bad one for me. Please know you are loved and your entire family is supported and cared for by more than you could ever imagine. Sending hugs!

Annelise Sullivan Sorry for your sadness. But it is completely understandable. You're in my thoughts

Susan Ritmiller I cannot begin to imagine how frustrating and hard those feelings are for you. Sending you hugs and prayers.

Stacy Berman Lunenfeld I am always thinking about you and I can't even begin to imagine the heartache. Please know that you all are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Carolyn Hack Kaplan-Solomond Beautifully written. Thinking of you.

Samantha Gitli Schaefer This was so beautifully and honestly written. Always thinking of your family and sending strength and love.

Courtney Rachel ❤

Heather Schmidt Young *hugs* I think of you guys often.

Sherie Bober Rubin You are truly the strongest person I know. Much love to you and yours

Lisa Lewis Very, very strong and powerful.

Connie McElroy Lippenholz As always, profound and touching and heart wrenching. We love you guys. ((Hugs))

Michelle Kampler Schwartz No apologies are necessary. This is a one-way journey and you are doing all the right things. You will always have my support. Sending love.....

Danielle Houseal ❤

Kelli Maples Bethel ❤ u!!!

Arlene Brown Stein I have a lump in my throat and tears while I read this. You are my Superhero

Lisa Goldberg Burgunder They're lucky to have you for a mom. 💛

Heather Lev Love u and here for u always xoxo

Sara Alima Ostrow So beautifully written. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.