Thursday, October 13, 2016

4 Weeks, 4 hours - By Brian

WOW, has it really only been 4 weeks.  I feel like so much time has passed.  Maybe because so much has happened between Ian’s passing and today.   Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur as well as trying to get back to what we always call our “new normal.”  What really is normal?  Nothing in our lives has really ever been normal.  Normal would probably to have had two healthy children that could run, laugh, play and do whatever.  Instead of having one child with a terminal debilitating disease.  But that’s what we were given and we enjoyed each and every moment of it.  Ok that’s a lie, we certainly hated many parts of it but Ian was our child, our son, and no matter what we promised to do anything and everything for him as well as Becca.

As I am sitting here at work, I'm trying to keep my mind busy and occupied.  If I don’t, then I know I will lose it and just break down.  Sure you are saying, go ahead break down, its ok to, you’ve been through a traumatic experience.  I'm not trying to hold back my tears.  I just think and feel at this moment I am not sure if I really have many more tears left.  Yesterday, during Yizkor at our Yom Kippur services was the hardest day to have to go through besides Ian's funeral of course.  Having to sit there and mourn for my son, my best buddy, my hero is something that goes against what we all think of as the normal cycle of life.  We were told to make sure to have tissues with us and luckily we did.  It's not a fun service and I know it's not supposed to be.  We walked out saying Bad Yizkor, lol.

So as my title states, 4 weeks, 4 hours.  I can't believe it.  Maybe I still don’t want to believe it.  One struggle I am having day in and day out are the images that are floating around in my head.  I try and try to see images of Ian's great smile, his warm eyes and his loving face.  But the only images I recall at this moment, when I shut my eyes, are those of his funeral, his empty bedroom or of him lying there.  I've been told those images will fade, not disappear completely but will eventually be replaced with those images I just described.  We are just still in a state of shock.  I suppose we are, I don’t know.  I sure hope so because I don’t necessarily like the images I have now. 

I know I'm just rambling but I wanted to get my thoughts down so I don’t forget them.  So if and when you read this, please do me a favor.  Close your eyes for a moment and visualize Ian's happy, smiling and loving face.  Please do that for me since I can't really at this time.  I really appreciate it.  


Wendy Elover said...

Sending hugs, and continued prayers for peace for all of you. I know there are no words that can help heal your pain right now, but I do know the incredible amount of unconditional love you shared with Ian and continue to share with your family and everyone you know. Eventually, the huge hole in your heart will begin to heal and even fill with happy memories. Keep trying to focus on all the amazing, happy, loving memories you have with Ian, and eventually your brain will catch up. Wishing you and your family all of life's blessings as you continue on this difficult journey. You are a family of beautiful souls. Give yourself time and be patient with yourself. Life will never be the same, but you will find your "new normal", and I know with time you will learn to smile again with Ian watching over you and smiling his huge grin too. Hugs! -Wendy

Lisa Lewis said...

Brian, the image I have of Ian was me holding him at Disney World. He was in the stroller crying, because Marci was holding Becca. Despite everyone telling me it would not stop his crying, I picked him up. He looked at me and smiled. He truly did have the best smile!

e photography said...

very easy to think of Ian's smile : )

Anonymous said...

Jay Weiner That was tough to read; must be so much harder than that to live. Holding all of you in my heart today <3

Jami Schultz Margolis πŸ’— you all!!!!
Marci. Brian and Becca!!!!
Holding your hands the whole way as well - never hesitate to reach out and lean on your village!...

Jennifer Larsen Orlando Love you guys. Sending hugs.

Yvonne Harris Ragland We continue to pray for your peace and comfort.

Meredith Gelfand Sending hugs and love

Adena Baer πŸ’™❤πŸ’™

Denise Winegard Kremnitzer Love you guys πŸ’•

Renee Valentino Block ❤

Laurie Fox Schimmel Thank your continuing to share your journey! Always thinking of your family!!

Sherri Sibel Thomas I have a very fond and funny memory of Ian floating through my mind, Brian Scher. When I brought Flowers For Powers over to visit and you and Marci told the girls to play catch with Ian. But Ian couldn't use his hands so just let the ball Bounce off his head.

Debi Gersh Van Camp ⭕❌

Steve Lunenfeld Thanks for sharing Brian. Thinking of you and Ian smiling.

Michelle Kampler Schwartz Oh Brian. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I agree with others who've told you that the more recent, difficult images will find their place in your head and heart. When I think of Ian, I SEE HIS SMILE most of all....(and I secretly loved his growl...bc it showed me his SPIRIT). I got 3 of those precious smiles from him on my last day with him...and those were a gift I will FOREVER CHERISH. Xxo

Jill Pelovitz Marci please thank Brian for this honest sharing of his reality right now. As I have been thinking about your family I have been consumed with thoughts of how you might be doing and what you must be going through.

Alicia Katznelson Broth (((hugs))) and you do not have to worry. That gorgeous smile is permanently in the hearts and minds of anyone who knew Ian.

Benjamin Levey Thank you for sharing.