WOW, has it really only been 4 weeks. I feel like so much time has passed. Maybe because so much has happened between Ian’s passing and today. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur as well as trying to get back to what we always call our “new normal.” What really is normal? Nothing in our lives has really ever been normal. Normal would probably to have had two healthy children that could run, laugh, play and do whatever. Instead of having one child with a terminal debilitating disease. But that’s what we were given and we enjoyed each and every moment of it. Ok that’s a lie, we certainly hated many parts of it but Ian was our child, our son, and no matter what we promised to do anything and everything for him as well as Becca.
As I am sitting here at work, I'm trying to keep my mind busy and occupied. If I don’t, then I know I will lose it and just break down. Sure you are saying, go ahead break down, its ok to, you’ve been through a traumatic experience. I'm not trying to hold back my tears. I just think and feel at this moment I am not sure if I really have many more tears left. Yesterday, during Yizkor at our Yom Kippur services was the hardest day to have to go through besides Ian's funeral of course. Having to sit there and mourn for my son, my best buddy, my hero is something that goes against what we all think of as the normal cycle of life. We were told to make sure to have tissues with us and luckily we did. It's not a fun service and I know it's not supposed to be. We walked out saying Bad Yizkor, lol.
So as my title states, 4 weeks, 4 hours. I can't believe it. Maybe I still don’t want to believe it. One struggle I am having day in and day out are the images that are floating around in my head. I try and try to see images of Ian's great smile, his warm eyes and his loving face. But the only images I recall at this moment, when I shut my eyes, are those of his funeral, his empty bedroom or of him lying there. I've been told those images will fade, not disappear completely but will eventually be replaced with those images I just described. We are just still in a state of shock. I suppose we are, I don’t know. I sure hope so because I don’t necessarily like the images I have now.
I know I'm just rambling but I wanted to get my thoughts down so I don’t forget them. So if and when you read this, please do me a favor. Close your eyes for a moment and visualize Ian's happy, smiling and loving face. Please do that for me since I can't really at this time. I really appreciate it.