The Linkage Between Grief and Love

Over the last few weeks, Brian and I have been attending 2 different support groups for parents who have lost children. One of the groups is for any age child with the loss being in anyway. The other group is for children who were treated at Hopkins so the oldest child was 19. Each group is different and I have gotten different things from both. One of the main things I have gotten from both groups is that the grief journey is individual for each person and while you may think you are through one aspect of the journey, something, anything can trigger you to go back to a place you thought you were past. We have explored all the stages of grief and how you can be in many different stages at one time. We have explored the symptoms and signs of the different stages and how they can affect your different aspects of life. The diagram of the Grief Loop really helped me to understand this. As you can see from below, it comes in different loops and back and forth.

We were able to express our feelings and thoughts to those who understand what it means to lose a child. 

The linkage between grief and love is not something I thought about or understood until we lost Ian. It was explained during one of our group sessions:

Comes the Dawn

(Author unknown; qtd. In Farra 1986)

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head held high and your eyes open,

With the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

You learn to build your roads

On today because tomorrow's ground

Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have

A way of falling down in midflight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine

Burns if you get too much,

So you plant your own garden and decorate

Your own soul, instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth

And learn and learn...and you learn.

With every goodbye you learn.