Timetables, Myths and Misconceptions of Grief

Over the past few weeks, we have finished up a bereaved parents support group as well as had some things happen which have made me want to do more research into grief, how it affects people, timetables, different kinds of grift, etc.  You get it...GRIEF.

There are theories out there that put timetables on grief. One of the most frequently asked questions is: "How long will these feelings last?" The following guidelines are general descriptions and may vary widely from one individual to another.

Month one: In the first month, grieving persons may be so busy with funeral arrangements, visitors, paperwork and other immediate tasks that they have little time to begin the grieving process. They may also be numb and feel that the loss is unreal. This shock can last beyond the first month of the death was sudden, violent or particularly untimely.

Month three: The three-month point is a particularly challenging time for many grieving persons. Visitors have gone home, cards and calls have pretty much stopped coming in, and most of the numbness has worn off. Well-meaning family and friends who do not understand the grief process may pressure the grieving person to get back to normal. The grieving person is just beginning the very painful task of understanding what this loss really means.

Months four through twelve: The grieving person continues to work through the many tasks of learning to live with the loss. There begin to be more good days than bad days. Difficult periods will crop up sometimes with no obvious trigger, even late into the last half of the first year. It is important that the grieving person understands that these difficult periods are normal rather than a set back or a sign of lack of progress.

Significant anniversaries: During the first year, personal and public holidays present additional challenges. Birthdays (of the deceased and other family members), wedding anniversaries, and family and school reunions can be difficult periods. Medical anniversaries, such as the day of diagnosis, the day someone was hospitalized or came home from the hospital can also bring up memories. The grieving person may not be consciously keeping track of these dates but is still affected by them. 

Time Frame: From immediately after the death to several weeks or months.

Experiences: Confusion, no ability to fully comprehend what has happened; numbness and physiological reactions.

Needs: Frequent physical presence of family and friends; permission to grieve and express ever-changing emotions; avoid tranquilizer so.

Time Frame: 2-3 months to 6-8 months

Experiences: Very difficult period; extended support system no longer present; feelings of guilt, extreme sense of loss and loneliness persist; may experience hallucinations and suicidal thoughts.

Needs: Opportunity to talk with understanding friends; may seek professional support. Sometimes support groups are helpful; beginning of recovery.

Time Frame: 6-8 months to 2 years

Experiences: Efforts to reestablish life; able to make significant decisions; renewal of relationships and establishment of new ones; may be hit at times by deep grief experiences.

Needs: Continuing support of family and friends; beginning interest in activities and involvement; may still seek professional help.

One of the articles I found discussed some common myths and misconceptions about grief:

**"Grief is felt only after a loss occurs." Grief also can be experienced in anticipation of an expected loss,  whenever there is a threat of loss and we begin to imagine the worse.  As soon as we become aware that a death ~ or a significant loss of any kind ~ may happen, we can experience anticipatory grief and mourning. 

**"Grief and mourning are the same." Grief is our own private,  inner response to a loss. Mourning is the outward expression of grief, the social response that we openly share with others. Everyone grieves, but not everyone mourns. 

**"Grief occurs in orderly, predictable stages." Grief and mourning are highly individualized, according to our own unique personality and life experiences, as well as the nature of our relationship with the deceased, how the death happened, the support system we have available, our own past experience with loss and our particular religious and cultural background. 

**"Most people recover from grief and eventually return to normal." Grief is not an illness from which we will recover; rather, it is a gradual process of transformation.  It may seem that when our loved one died, a part of us died, too.  Every aspect of life is different and forever changed, and a "new normal" must be found, as we learn to integrate this loss and live in a whole new world without the physical presence of the one who has died. 

**"Time heals all wounds, and eventually grief comes to an end." Grief is an adaptive response that is not bound by time. It never really ends; we don't "get over" grief.  It is something we learn to live with over time, as we gradually adjust to the physical absence of the one who has died. Grief softens and erupts less frequently as time goes on, but it can revisit us at any time, and in varying intensity, whenever we are reminded of our loss.

**"The first year of grief is the hardest, and the time when support is most needed." For some, the second year is even harder than the first. The reality is that we will need ongoing compassion and support. 

**"The goal of grief is to let go of the one who died and move on with life." The bonds of love are never severed by death, and if cherished memories and legacies are intentionally tended and nourished,  it is normal and healthy that a close relationship with the deceased will continue and endure throughout our lifetime.

The truth is that grief takes as long as it takes, and there is no right or wrong way to "do it".  

Don't let death rob you of the moments of joy still to be remembered, and found. Don't let grief rob you of those places where love and joy live forever in the heart. -Darcie Sims

Lately, I've been struggling. Nights have become difficult again, closing my eyes is hard because of the images I see, getting out of bed in the mornings are hard...basically, I'm just going with the movements, doing what I have to do in order to make sure that Becca, Brian and I get what we need. 

This morning, I watched Thursday night's episode of Grey's Anatomy. The saying at the end was: We are forced to acknowledge that certain kinds of magic exist, and that history and memory and the ghosts of our past are sometimes just as tangible as anything we can hold in our hands.