The Long Goodbye

www.stillstandingmag.com

Hellos and goodbyes are a big part of life.

And some goodbyes aren't so finite. I've said goodbye to pregnancy once my children were born, and as my children grow older I've learned to say goodbye to their babyhood once they turned one.

Time propels us forward and we are compelled to change with it. As my children grow older and more independent, they need me less and less. I find there is often a struggle in wanting to do everything for them, to teaching them to learn on their own. As much as I'd like to keep them as my little babies, they are at the end of the day little beings who are growing up and are encouraged to have lives of their own.

One day they will no longer need me as much and I am coming to learn to accept that. In fact one of the most important lessons I have learned as a parent is the art of letting go. You can't freeze time and sometimes no matter what, you must learn to say goodbye.

I'll say goodbye to this phase in their life, and get ready to say hello to a new one.

But what happens when you've experienced a devastating loss such as a stillbirth? How do you learn to let go and say your goodbyes? For myself, love and grief for my deceased daughter is intertwined--they are the same. For the longest time, all I knew was sadness. This was the only phase I knew, and I thought it was the only one that existed.

But as time goes on, I find myself being happier all the time, and now sadness is an occasional visitor. I can't help but think, am I an awful parent because I'm no longer sad all the time, or that I can tell my story of my daughter's brief time with us without breakiing down into tears? Does this mean I love her less because I am now no longer sad that she died?

Time is a great healer, and it's now been three and half years since my daughter Aurora died.

Just like I do with my living children, I am also learning to let go and let her fly. Aurora doesn't have to always be an unhappy memory or a tragic event. My experience of her has changed and I've gone from a grieving parent so devastated that she's gone to a parent who is so incredibly happy that she existed.

As a parent now I am ready to say my goodbyes to all the pain I've endured because of her loss, and instead I am choosing to embrace all the happiness my lost child has brought me. I am finally saying goodbye to all the pain and sadness, and instead I will hold onto all the love and joy by daughter's brief life brought me--I will take all of this with me as I move forward with time, and I cannot wait to see what other beauty Aurora brings into my life.