4th Yahrzeit - 12 Elul - September 1 - September 15
How has it been another year? Another 365 days? 12 Elul 5776, 15 September 2016. 12 Elul 5780, 1 September 2020.
Ian Alexander Scher Z"L.
Most days it still doesn't seem real. I long to hear his voice when I walk into the house. I long to see his smile. I long to see the twinkle in his eyes. I long to hug him. Maybe I even long to do his treatments and give him his medicines. I long for the noises from the ventilator, the VEST, the cough assist, and the suction machine. I long for all the people coming in and out of the house. I LONG FOR HIM. I long for all of those things that made Ian, Ian.
That last night, Wednesday, September 14, 2016, Brian and I gave Ian Z"L permission to go to heaven. We told him, we would be OK; Becca too would be OK (he specifically asked "Becca be OK"). We told him, being OK could mean many different things, and eventually, we would be OK. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can still see the smile he had on his face when we told him it was okay to go to heaven, that he didn't have to fight anymore. That we would be OK. We kissed him good night, told him to sleep well, just like we did every night. Sometime during his sleep, he listened to us, he took our permission and went to heaven. From that moment on, our lives changed forever, never to be the same again.
There isn't a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, or a month... when I don't LONG for him. "OK" "Okay" "ok" "OKAY" One can say "ok", as many different ways as one wants, it won't matter. OK is just OK and that is all it ever will be. Some days, OK is not even what I am. Some days, all I want to do is stay in bed. Some days, I want to scream at the universe, to tell the universe it sucks. Some days, it takes everything to just be. We have figured out this life without him, on some days. We have figured out how to laugh without him, on some days. We have figured out joy without him, on some days. We have figured it out, on some days. We are still figuring it out and always will be figuring out living life without him.
I started binge-watching Grey's Anatomy about 6 weeks ago. Grey's Anatomy is a television drama where life-or-death consequences occur on a daily basis, helping the doctors of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital and reminding us, the viewers, continually realize neither relationships nor medicine is ever black and white.
Season 11, Episode 22
Amelia is pacing on the deck at the dream house. Owen appears and greets her. He says it's good to see her. It felt to him like he's been away forever, but nothing's changed. Amelia is beginning to unravel, so to speak. She says "I’ve got the dead-Derek thing completely managed. ... I am entertaining -- joke, joke, joke! I’m funny! I’m fun! I’m a party! I’m doing -- I’m great! I’m handling the dead-Derek thing really well. [chuckles]"
Derek was Amelia's brother. Amelia is a drug-addict in recovery. She has been sober for 1,321 days. She continues to tell Owen, "I was fine. It was managed. ..."
And this is where it gets me.
Owen tells Amelia.
"All the stuff you're ... managing... you're not supposed to be managing it. You're supposed to be feeling it -- grief, loss, pain. It is normal."
Amelia tells Owen, it's not normal.
Owen looks at Amelia and says, "It is. It is normal. It's not normal to you ‘cause you’ve never done it. Instead of feeling it, feeling the grief and the pain, you’ve shoved it all down and you do drugs instead. Instead of moving through the pain, you run from it. You… instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible, empty feeling is all there is, I run from it. I run off, and I sign up for another tour of active duty. We do these things. We run off, and we -- we medicate. We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but it’s not normal. We’re supposed to feel. We’re supposed to… love… and hate… and hurt… and grieve and break and… be destroyed and… rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again. That is human. That is humanity. That’s -- that’s… that’s being alive. That’s the point. That’s the entire point. Don’t -- don’t avoid it. Don’t… extinguish it."
He continues, "You’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna survive this, okay? Everybody does. It’s perfectly normal. It’s boring, even." "IT'S SO NORMAL."
"I have to believe there's a way. There has to be a way to step off the carousel. Start again. Start fresh. There has to be a way to leave all my ghosts behind. It's a choice. It's a choice I'm making. To move forward. To move past this. I can do that. I can do that. All I have to do is begin."
--Ellis and Meredith Grey
The words Owen spoke to Amelia, "We're supposed to feel. We're supposed to... love... and hate... and hurt... and grieve and break and... be destroyed and... rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again. That is human. That is humanity. That’s -- that’s… that’s being alive?. That’s the point. That’s the entire point. Don’t -- don’t avoid it. Don’t… extinguish it." We have felt the love, hate, hurt, grief, been broken, been destroyed, rebuilt ourselves, and been destroyed again... to start over again.
Some days, I hate myself for not protecting Ian Z"L. Some days, I hate myself for being the reason he suffered, the reason he had Pontocerebellar Hypoplasia Type 1A. Some days, I hate myself for not being able to save his life. Those are the days when I hate God, when I want to know why, why Ian Z"L? Why Becca? Some days, I hate myself for not being able to protect Becca from all she has endured at an early age. Why could I not protect them? Why God? Universe why? Those are the days, I hate myself, the life we have to live without Ian Z"L.
Some days, I am OK. Some days, I know I could not protect Ian Z"L from Pontocerebellar Hypoplasia Type 1A. Some days, I know I could not protect Becca from Pontocerebellar Hypoplasia Type 1A. Some days, I know I could not save his life, I could not save her from all she has endured at a young age. Some days, I know I won't get the answers to why. Some days, most days, I am forever grateful and blessed for the days we had with Ian Alexander Scher Z"L. He made us better then and still does now. Seeing all the ways Becca has grown over the past four years -- from not being able to say his name or talk about him in the first months to reading her CIT campfire letter and the beginnings of her college essay relating to how Ian, Z"L, Pontocerebellar Hypoplasia Type 1A, and Twinless Twins have impacted her. How all she has endured has molded her into who she is today and will continue to become.
In Chapter 20, verse 27 of the Book of Proverbs, it provides, "The soul of man is the candle of God." The Yahrzeit candle reminds people of the fragility of life and encourages them to embrace their life and that of their loved ones. A candle is often believed to be a symbol of the soul. This is one of the core reasons that candles are such an integral part of the Jewish religion. Although Jewish law sets forth a structured period of mourning and traditionally provides that mourners not overly grieve the loss of a loved one, the Yahrzeit is one of the rituals each year when it is encouraged to remember, memorialize, honor and commemorate loved ones.
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