Sunday, October 16th, was the 1st day we were "allowed" to go visit Ian. According to Jewish laws, you are supposed to wait until 30 days have passed. So the 3 of us went.
I had mixed feelings about going before, during and afterwards. I am not sure I was ready but then again when would I be ready to go visit my son's grave...it is not the way it is supposed to be. The car ride was quiet, just the music could be heard. It didn't take us as long to get there as I thought it would take, I have been to Beth El many times to visit other relatives, so not sure why I thought it would take that long. Seeing his name on the plaque was hard, knowing that my son was in the grave was hard but knowing I have someplace to go visit him was good, knowing I have someplace I can talk to him was good (I know I can talk to him in other places as well). I hope he is happy under his tree, after all, Ian never liked being in the sun much. I am not sure if I found peace, not sure what I found...maybe it is still just to early in this horrible process that is becoming our "new normal". It was good to be able to go, even though I don't know what I got from it...at this point.
I know we will be back to visit him often.