A Letter To My Daughter

To our beautiful Becca.....over the years we have told you that you will always have a brother, your future spouse will always have a brother-in-law and your future kids will always have an uncle. You will always be a TWIN. Death ends a life, but does not end a relationship. by Robert Woodruff Anderson

I just finished reading OPTION B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant, telling Sheryl's story of the sudden death of her husband. Her life with her husband was Option A and once he passed away she had no choice but to move into Option B. I know over the years, especially the months since Ian's passing you have struggled with finding your Option B, we all have. For all of us emotions have come, gone and come again; anger has come, gone and come again. as well as tears have come, gone and come again. Daddy and I don't know what it is like to lose a brother but we do know what it is like to lose Ian...to be the only other two people who know what it is like to have constant things going on in the house 24/7 and in a minute for that to be turned upside down. We knew for years this would happen, we prepared as much as possible but to truly prepare is not possible. One does not know how they are going to react when it finally happens. The pain, relief, emptiness, sadness, loneliness...it all comes up. You have put some walls up to help you get through the days, some of those days are easier than others...those days will come and go just as the walls will come and go. You have to let some walls down, cry, share emotions with us as well as with others who have experienced a loss like yours. We hope this has helped you to know and see it is okay to continue loving.

Resilience means the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness or the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity. Resilience in love means finding strength from within that you can share with others. Finding a way to make love last through the highs and lows. Finding your own way to love when life does not work out as planned. Finding the hope to love and laugh again when love is cruelly taken from you. And finding a way to hang on to love even when the person you love is gone. - From Option B.

You may not realize but with each passing day you are building resilience...it will come and go over the days, weeks, months and years. Little by little we are seeing joy come back into our lives, we are laughing and smiling....one reason is because we know Ian would want us to find joy, laughter and smiles again. To continue living. We talk about him, we think about the good and the bad times with him as well as the funny things he did...oh and there were plenty. As we learn to live in our "new normal", know that we see so much in you, know that over the years you will have joy, laughter, good times and bad, sadness, loss, plus much more. There will be hard times as well as easy times. At times the pain is front and center and other times you forget it is even there. The resilience you are building, finding a way to hang on to love even when the person you love is gone, will guide you through so much in life and has and will continue to make you the wonderful, caring person you are.