Mother’s Day - Firsts, Lasts and Those In Between

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Mother's Day has held many different emotions for me over the years, from being a small child and celebrating my mother and grandmothers, to watching my sister and sisters-in-law, close friends all celebrate their first Mother's Day, all the while I was one of those facing infertility. I have to say it was worth it, although hard, my first Mother's Day was pretty special, May 11, 2003. My first Mother's Day was the first day, Brian and I would have both kids home, our first day/night as a family of four in our home. Yes, you are reading that correct, after 8 weeks on bed rest and 3 weeks of the twins being in the NICU, Becca came home on Saturday, May 10, 2003, and Ian came home on Sunday, May 11, 2003. When we left the hospital with Becca on Saturday, I was a wreck. Even though I knew I wasn't abandoning Ian, it felt like that as I walked out of the NICU as the doctors reported Ian would need to stay for about another week. Well, imagine our surprise when the doctor called early on Sunday morning to tell us that we could come and pick Ian up. I still remember Brian, telling me what the doctor said and how he could tell Brian was a little surprised and taken back based on what they had just told us on Saturday. The doctor did say to Brian that they could probably keep him one more day, but as Brian has told me many times over the years, how do you tell the doctor to keep your child just one more day. So, as you can imagine my 1st Mother's Day was pretty special. Each Mother's Day since then has been pretty special as well, but heartbreaking in some way also. Mother's Day, May 8, 2016, another one that was amazing and beyond pretty special. The kids B'Nei Mitzvah, a day Brian and I had dreamed of since the day we found out we were expecting and then expecting twins. It was a day of celebration, a day to live in the moment, to cherish who was in our lives, a day just to be. Little did I know that it would be my last Mother's Day with both my children on earth. For the last three years, Mother's Day has been different for me. Mother's Day is bittersweet, just like all holidays, milestones, days and such. My children are my world, my life, my being, I just have one on earth and one in heaven. 

Option B has shared some wonderful articles on their website which I have shared last Mother's Day and as Mother's Day is approaching this year, I wanted to share them again and remind you that Mother's Day may not be easy for everyone. You don't know what someone is going through unless they choose to share with you. So please continue to read and take thought in how you wish someone a Happy Mother's Day this Sunday, May 12, 2019.

We would probably get a few strange looks if we wished everyone "Happy Graduation" regardless of whether or not they are completing school. But as the second Sunday in May rolls around, we can fall into the trap of wishing every woman we meet a "Happy Mother's Day" without a second thought. Our hearts are in the right place, but we may be unintentionally insulting or hurtful. Mother's Day is a wonderful time to celebrate and share gratitude with the women who have helped us become who we are -- while also being compassionate to those who find it difficult.

To understand how best to support a loved one who may not be looking forward to Mother's Day, we talked to eleven experts in the areas of loss, infertility, and family dynamics. They agreed that these three steps can help you be thoughtful about how you address people on Mother's Day:

1. Don't give in to the impulse to say "Happy Mother's Day" automatically to every woman you encounter.
2. Before using this greeting, pause and consider what this person has experienced -- what feelings might the day bring for them?
3. Find different ways to acknowledge the occasion -- think about your loved one's particular needs for the day and be a part of creating meaning for them.

Mother's Day may be really hard for a lot of people you know, and you won't always be aware of the challenges they are facing unless they tell you. So catch yourself before automatically wishing your child's math teacher or the woman who works at your coffee shop "Happy Mother's Day." It's awkward to be on the receiving end of that sentiment when you don't want children, or if you don't have them for whatever reason. Chances are good that you know a woman whose dream of starting a family is on hold due to relationship status, fertility challenges, or not being on the same page as a partner. Mothers who have a seriously ill child, have miscarried, or whose child died may always have a part of their hearts reserved for their loss. It can also be hard for those whose mothers are sick or have age-related memory issues. And if they've lost a mother -- whether recently or years ago -- Mother's Day can remind them of her absence in a painful way.

There are many things that friends and family can do to help someone through a difficult Mother's Day. We've combined feedback from our experts into specific advice about supporting someone who is: 

1. Grieving For A Child
2. Grieving For A Parent
3. A Widowed Parent
4. Facing Infertility

There are many other situations that can make Mother's Day tough, but the three steps above still apply. You won't be able to shield your loved one from the sea of happy pictures of moms and children on social media. But acknowledging that the day might be hard and offering to listen can make a world of difference. And if they don't feel like talking, even the smallest gesture -- a text, a card, a treat from their favorite bakery -- will remind your friend that they are seen and loved.