Higher Power and Kintsugi

The house is quiet. Everyone is still asleep; even the dog has gone back to bed after doing her thing. Me, I've been up for over an hour, since 7:00 AM. I don't "sleep in" anymore. It has been quite sometime since I've "slept in". 

For year's, at least 4 or 5, we have brunch with our friend, Freda-Dale. Last night she mentioned she would get up around 10:00 AM, since we were due to arrive at 11:00 AM. Me I said, would be up by 7:00 AM. I continued to tell her that I just can't seem to sleep in any more, I'm usually up by 7:00 AM. And today was no different. Now, sitting here, in the stillness of our home, I realize 7:00 AM; I'm almost always up by 7:00 AM. Time of death 7:00 AM. Does it mean anything? Do I just happened to wake at 7:00 AM? Honestly, I have no idea. And until now I never really thought about the time meaning anything. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe it's Ian's way of saying good morning to me each and every day. Or maybe it's his way of saying get out of bed and 'go to work' (only during the week). On the weekends I've got no idea what he's saying. As for the go to work...every morning I would go into Ian's room, say good morning, check in with his nurse, and tell Ian what was in his schedule for the day. Then with his big brown eyes, he would look at me, in his soft, quiet voice say, "go to work". Some days I replied, "I don't want to". Ian's reply, "But if you don't go, Glenn will fire you". So, I did what any good mother would do, laughed, gave him a kiss goodbye, left his room and went to work. 

I just read on another bereaved mom's Facebook post about Kintsugi. Kintsugi is a Japanese art in which a precious bowl or vase that is shattered is put back together with gold that fills the cracks and the seams and the chips. The theory is that things that are damaged and broken are still beautiful, worthy, and precious. 

2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019 have all been a years of being shattered, not being able to breathe, gathering our broken pieces and jagged shards and holding them together despite the piercing pain. Regrouping. Rebalancing. Recommitting. Hope, air, and dawn began to seep back in pieces each year. A year where gold seeped in and fused the pieces. Broken but whole. Damaged but sound. Scarred but beautiful. Over the years, we have learned to live through it all, grief and joy can live together. It’s often unsettling to experience the full range of human emotions - sometimes within seconds of each other. It’s raw and it’s messy but we are learning to live with our commingled tears of pain and tears of joy. It's a life journey and work in progess. We are constantly evolving and will continue to evolve. 

Thanksgiving 2019. Our 4th Thanksgiving with an empty chair at the table. Thanksgiving. All holidays have an empty chair at the table and always will. Yet, we will continue to our Kintsugi.

And with all that...remember to TREASURE yesterday, DREAM of tomorrow but LIVE for today.