What a Difference a Week Makes or Thereabouts (By Brian)

Ok maybe not necessarily a week exactly but close enough for me and for my purposes of writing another post.  If you really want to know I guess it should say...What a Difference 8 Days Make.  Again, as many, if not all, of you know on February 1, Ian had his tracheostomy surgery and it went extremely well.  So well in fact, that after what seemed like only 15 minutes to me but I know longer, the doctor comes walking out saying he's done.  I was absolutely stunned and floored but was like ok, you sure you didn't want to take more time, lol.  Anyway.  within 24 hours I swear I saw the life come back in to my little boy's eyes.  Those eyes that only 8 days ago I said "were full of sadness and despair."  It is amazing how something as complex yet as simple as removing a breathing tube (complex) and tape (simple) from Ian's face had seemed to change his entire outlook and attitude.  He was smiling, laughing and yes even mouthing words.  I was not alone with the thoughts of where has this boy been for the past three weeks.  Well we all certainly know the answer to that....basically to hell and on his way back.

So that brings me to tonight.  No, this is not going to be another Feelings of Helplessness post because I have been there and done that.  In fact, my outlook on this whole experience, yet not a pleasant one by any stretch of the imagination, has certainly changed since last Friday the 1st.  How could it not with seeing the huge change in Ian.  His laughter, his eyes and his brightness are absolutely infectious.  And to not be happier is not paying attention to him while you sit here.

Ok, enough rambling.  So it is my night here at the hospital with him which everything is going fine and well.  During the day, Respiratory Therapy (RT as we call them) changed out his ventilator to another kind of vent called a LapTop Ventilator (LTV).  This LTV is basically the one we will be using at home when Ian finally does come home.  The reason for the change is because the PICU needs to get Ian to a baseline setting on this vent before he can be moved to the general floor.  So they need to give it a few days for him to be on it to generate this baseline.

Anyway, shortly before I sat down to write this, Ian was talking to Becca and Marci on our cell phones to say good night and such.  He didn't seem to be in a horrible mood but just seemed sad for some reason.  But when I asked him he said he was fine.  So after getting off the phone, I had a talk with Ian.  I was standing over him and looking him in the eyes and him me.  I asked him if he really was ok.  I asked if he was sad, happy, did anything hurt and so on.  He said no to all of that.  I asked if he was upset because he had the trache and he said no.  I even went as far to ask if he was mad at mommy and me for telling the doctors to put the trache in and once again he said no.  So I went on to tell him that he still has the right to be sad and upset about everything if he wants.  But no matter what he goes through he will always, and I mean ALWAYS, be the same little boy every has come to fall in love with from the minute they meet him.  Told him that mommy and daddy were not giving up the fight so long as he wants to keep fighting and of course we all know he does want to continue the fight.

So with all that, Ian looked up at me, puckered up his lips and held his arms out to me for a hug.  I haven't gotten a hug from my little man in a long long time and I most certainly was not passing up the opportunity to give him one and not a short one either.  After, I looked down at him again, told him I loved him very much and gave him another kiss.  He replied back, I love you too.

That is why I titled this post What a Difference a Week Makes or Thereabouts.  Remembering back to those Feelings of Helplessness to the feelings of optimism and joy is something remarkable.  Our Ian, our little trooper and MY hero, not even Spiderman can get close to, is coming back to us.