Importance of Honoring Bereaved Dads On Father’s Day

I want to wish my dear husband a very special 15th Father's Day. Parenthood definitely hasn't been what we imagined...but it's been ours. Blessed with our wonderful kids, Becca and Ian (may he RIP)...we are always a family of four!

On Father's Day, we like to honor and celebrate the beloved dads in our lives - ours and our children's. But some dads have a very different Father's Day. They are the dads who have children that have died.

When my first son died, the first Mother's Day after was only a couple of months later. I was still heavy into the throes of my grief but I got calls and cards from people that wished me a gentle Mother's Day and reminded me that even though my son was dead, I was still a mother. To be honest, the thought that I wasn't never even crossed my mind. 

Until Father's Day....and I could not believe that people were not more cognizant and supportive of my husband.

Oh, a few were, and to this day, we are so thankful for the support they've given. But many we expected to at the very least give him a call on Father's Day to check in simply didn't. Friends and family alike, that first Father's Day for my husband was already heartbreaking, and the silence from so many - especially in contrast to the support I'd gotten for Mother's Day - was deafening. 

Honoring bereaved dads on Father's Day should be just as important as honoring mothers on Mother's Day. Sadly, even that is often lacking in this society, but it seems that if one parent of a dead child is to be forgotten, it's because so often, dads do their best to hold mothers together in the loss of a child. Maybe it's because we take away their 'parent' card if the child isn't there and they didn't carry him or her.

Whatever the reason, it's hurtful, and honoring bereaved dads on Father's Day is an important part of the grieving process for them. When they aren't recognized or it's just glossed over as another day, that heartache and missing seem amplified. The partners of bereaved dads wear that especially hard - as we are not only still grieving ourselves, but watching the ones we love grieve without support.

Recognize fathers, even if you know their children have died. Especially if you know they've lost a child. They long to be remembered, and they long to feel any sort of connection to their child they can. A card, a little gift, a text or a phone call. They all symbolize that you can recognize their role as a father in this world, and when one's child is not here, that's a priceless recognize their role as a father in this world, and when one's child is not here, that's a priceless recognition.

Talk to fathers about their children. Yes, I know...the old. "Men hold their emotions in," and all that. Maybe some do, but you know what? I'm raising my son to know that emotions know no gender, and you'd be surprised at how many fathers would love the opportunity to share their feelings about the children they've lost. At least give them that opportunity; they may turn it down, but it's better than wanting it and never having it offered, I promise.

If you're particularly close with a bereaved father, ask if he'd like to do something special to celebrate. Maybe he'd like to receive the traditional tacky tie and go to brunch. Maybe he'd like to go to the cemetery and visit his child's grave. Honor him with this request. 

Most importantly, just see a bereaved father for what he is - a dad navigating this life without his child. He may have other children, and his life on the outside may look like he's functioning fine and 'moved on.' 

Just know that there is no 'moving on,' when your child dies; there's only acceptance. Walk with him in this acceptance, and on this day, his day, honor him with the gift of seeing him as his child's father.

That is a gift that anyone can give, but few offer, and it's priceless.

By: Lori Ennis on www.mothering.com