Missing Those Eyes
The past few days have been hard, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Most of the time I don't know what triggers these moments. Some days, it's the common triggers everyone talks about like birthdays, holidays, anniversaries of specific events, Becca hitting a milestone, and sometimes it's just the anticipation of those days that are worse than the actual day. One way or another, I/we manage to get through them.
GRIEF SUCKS! Generally, I have nothing nice to say about it. Our society doesn't like to talk about death or grief. Maybe some feel if grief and/or death are talked about, the people dealing with them won't get over the loss of their loved one. (Well, let me share a secret with you, you not talking about it doesn't matter, the survivor will still not get over the loss.) Society doesn't want to talk about it. Talking about death and grief make people feel uncomfortable and people don't like to discuss what makes them uncomfortable. Trust me I get it. BEFORE! I'm sure I was one of those people who felt that way. BEFORE! AFTER, I feel completely different. It should not be taboo. You can see the discomfort in people's eyes when either topic come up in conversation. Most people want to run. When it comes up in conversation, I have I lost a child, at the young age of 13, the other person is secretly trying to figure a way out, how to change the topic. It is part of life, the circle of life. It may not happen in the order you would want or the order society views it to be "normal"...with the older ones first. As one gets older, they should lose their grandparents, their parents and then a spouse or maybe a sibling. But a parent is not supposed to lose a child, regardless of the age...but it does happen. And that is definitely when people want to run. I'm sure some, if not many, are tired of me talking about it. Maybe even thinking, here she comes, going to talk about that topic again. Can't she just move on? Well, guess what, NO, I can't just move on. I will never move on. I will move thru it but grief is and will be a part of my every waking moment. Grief SUCKS! It is lonely. It is isolating. It is all consuming. People don't know how to handle it and how to be there for others, especially after the initial grief period is over. It's just not "normal" in our society to talk about grief, therefore, people don't know how or what to do.
There is not a second of any day which goes by when I don't feel the emptiness of Ian not being here. Of not being able to physically touch him, to see his eyes, to kiss him, to communicate with him...the list is never-ending. As the disease took over his body, his eyes said so much. From fear to excitement, to laughter, to sadness, to happiness, to concern, to questions, to answers, to smiles...from everything to anything.
GRIEF SUCKS! Generally, I have nothing nice to say about it. Our society doesn't like to talk about death or grief. Maybe some feel if grief and/or death are talked about, the people dealing with them won't get over the loss of their loved one. (Well, let me share a secret with you, you not talking about it doesn't matter, the survivor will still not get over the loss.) Society doesn't want to talk about it. Talking about death and grief make people feel uncomfortable and people don't like to discuss what makes them uncomfortable. Trust me I get it. BEFORE! I'm sure I was one of those people who felt that way. BEFORE! AFTER, I feel completely different. It should not be taboo. You can see the discomfort in people's eyes when either topic come up in conversation. Most people want to run. When it comes up in conversation, I have I lost a child, at the young age of 13, the other person is secretly trying to figure a way out, how to change the topic. It is part of life, the circle of life. It may not happen in the order you would want or the order society views it to be "normal"...with the older ones first. As one gets older, they should lose their grandparents, their parents and then a spouse or maybe a sibling. But a parent is not supposed to lose a child, regardless of the age...but it does happen. And that is definitely when people want to run. I'm sure some, if not many, are tired of me talking about it. Maybe even thinking, here she comes, going to talk about that topic again. Can't she just move on? Well, guess what, NO, I can't just move on. I will never move on. I will move thru it but grief is and will be a part of my every waking moment. Grief SUCKS! It is lonely. It is isolating. It is all consuming. People don't know how to handle it and how to be there for others, especially after the initial grief period is over. It's just not "normal" in our society to talk about grief, therefore, people don't know how or what to do.
There is not a second of any day which goes by when I don't feel the emptiness of Ian not being here. Of not being able to physically touch him, to see his eyes, to kiss him, to communicate with him...the list is never-ending. As the disease took over his body, his eyes said so much. From fear to excitement, to laughter, to sadness, to happiness, to concern, to questions, to answers, to smiles...from everything to anything.
Right now, especially right now, I'm missing everything about his eyes.
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