64 Things Times Two - The Best and Worse Things to Say

Recently What's Your Grief asked their Facebook readers the following questions: "What is the best thing anyone has said to you in your grief?" and "What is the worst thing anyone has said to you in your grief?"

As they say, the struggle is real. Being a supportive family member or friend can be tough because what to say and do in this position isn't cut and dry. Some of the statements are objectively good or terrible, others seem only subjectively.  And some statements made BOTH the best and the worst lists.

After reading BOTH list, quite a few times, I realized over the years, I have said some from BOTH lists to people at one time or another. Since Ian's passing, I know I've been much more aware of what and how I've said things to people who have lost a loved one. Even with being aware, I'm sure I've still not said and done the best things. I know that what's right for one may not be right for another. As well as, everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. With that being said 
I'm going to try to be much more aware.

So what factors make a comment go one way or the other? Well, for starters, comments that are ill-timed, said by the wrong person, said to the wrong person, or simply thoughtless can easily get people in trouble.

As for what the best things are to say to someone grieving, the interesting thing you'll see is the items on this list aren't always very specific. They are often general statements or ways of being. We think this is worth noting. Though people get caught up in the "right" words to make someone feel better, often the best things aren't words of comfort at all (we all know those can go astray quickly, however well-intentioned!). They are an acknowledgement of pain, remembrance, and an ability to be present. So, without further ado...

64 BEST THINGS TO SAY

1. "There are no words."
2.  "I will travel to you and stay with you several days."
3. "You can talk to me about your mum whenever you want - in 5, 10, 30 years."
4. "Your grief-reactions are normal/appropriate."
5.  "You aren't going crazy."
6.  "Tell me more about your mother."
7.  Someone gave me a very sincere compliment on how I've handled raising my kids as a single mother a few years after my husband died. Meant the world to me to hear. It's a lonely journey. I needed that boost. 
8.  "I'm just really sorry you've had to go through this." She kept her gaze into my eyes as I sobbed...it was so powerful just being "witnessed."
9.  "Your Dad was a wonderful man."
10.  "Learn to live in acceptance of the loss, not in spite of the loss."
11.  "She's just made a change of address."
12.  "Grief has no expiration date."
13.  "It's okay to have bad days because it reminds you how much you love them and the good days remind you they're right there with you."
14.  "Just talk about your son whenever you feel like."
15. "You don't have to talk. I will just sit beside you."
16.  My 81-year-old Father drove quite a distance to just sit with me and as he sat listening to me completely fall apart he reached over and put his arm around me and quietly said, "Please know this is only temporary, you will get to finish raising him one day. Then he said, I will get there before you and I will carry your messages to him."
17.  "We've asked your colleagues and they have donated enough time off for you to take the time you need."
18.  "We were just talking about him last night."
19. "We remember him and speak of him often."
20. "When you feel that she's with you know that she really is."
21. "She is never far away."
22. "Let me know if I can help."
23. "I'm sorry for your loss."
24. When someone tells you they are there for you, brings you flowers or comfort food , or your best friend comes over after you've told her not to (because you didn't want to be a bother) because she knows you that well--those are the types of things that make a difference. 
25.  "I was really mad at God when I found out."
26.  "It f#&king sucks."
27.  "We won't forget him."
28.  "He was such a special kid." 
29.  "I don't know what to say but I can listen."
30. "He would be proud of you."
31. "I am praying for you and will always be."
32.  "I love you."
33. "Thank you for giving us the most beautiful, generous, loving person we've ever known."
34.  "We loved her like she was one of the family."
35.  "You've been a good dad to them."
36. When my Mom passed a good friend of mine looked me in the eye and with such love and concern said, "I am worried about you. I think you should consider grief therapy." I did so because of her genuine concern and courage to say that to me at that time.
37.  "One day you will be talking about Jessica and a smile will come to your face first before a tear."
38. The best thing was from a chaplain who gave me permission to be mad as hell and instead of asking 'why me?' Asking 'why not me?'
39. My mom made me socks and a hat for my baby gone-too-soon in pregnancy. She said, "every baby deserves to be celebrated, no matter how long they are with us."
40.  "A part of your loved one lives in you and all those he loved."
41.  "Be as kind to yourself as you are to everyone else."
42.  I received a card from a former college classmate of my husband. In the card she wrote about how proud my husband had been of me and how happy I had made him. She wrote that every time their paths crossed over the years that he always spoke so highly of me. She was in awe of how proud he was to have me as his wife.
43. "You will never get 'over it', but you will get through it."
44. "I can see by these pictures how much you loved each other. She must have known every day she was loved."
45.  "There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your life has been changed forever."
46.  "You're allowed to feel and be exactly as you are because this is your experience and no one else's."
47.  "I wouldn't be alive today if your dad hadn't helped me get sober by giving me a reason to be sober."
48. The best thing is when someone say, "I remember..." and then goes on to share a memory of the person you've lost.
49.  "I cannot possibly understand how you feel. But I'm here."
50.  When I told a friend my heart is broken she said, "I will lend you mine til yours has mended."
51.  "It's okay not to be okay."
52. "Look for signs. He will show you he is with you." (from another grieving mom)
53.  "He/she is with you always, and is proud of you for the way you live your life."
54.  I love when someone hears a song that reminds them of him & they reach out to tell me!
55.  "Come rest a minute - let's talk about & remember all those sweet memories. Your dad was a great man & father."
56. "We'll get through this together!"
57. "Now you've got someone up there watching out for you."
58.  "It's okay to hurt. Don't hold back your tears."
59.  "I have no words, this just sucks."
60.  "What the F#$K? How can this be?"
61. "He was so loved and my life is better because he was in it."
62. "You are a good mother and his death will never change that."
63. "You are not moving on you are moving forward."
64. The woman cleaning out my father's absolutely vile condo, when I admitted how embarrassing I found the state of his living space and apologized to her said, "I don't judge. Everyone has different priorities. He was clearly a wonderful father who was deeply loved."

64 WORST THINGS TO SAY

1. "I thought you'd be over it by now!"
2. "People have been through worse."
3. "Buck up!"
4. "Now she will never go to heaven. Why did the family burn her spirit?" [After hearing my loved one was cremated]
5. "It's not a big deal because, literally, everyone dies."
6.  "Get over it."
7. "I'll can you, check in on you, and we can get together." [But then never called]
8. "It's kind of like you got divorced."
9. "I hear that's the worst way to die."
10. "If my child died, I would be happy because I would know he is in heaven."
11. "You have to be strong."
12. "Now you can live your own life rather than taking care of a disabled child."
13. Nothing [made no acknowledgement]
14. "What did he go and do now?" [said to my mom after her son died]
15. "Don't be depressed. No one likes people who are depressed."
16. "You've lost so many people, it probably doesn't even phase you anymore."
17. My phone rang and it was a church "friend". She asked me what was wrong, I told her my mother had just passed away a few hours before and she said, "Oh, don't let anyone go through her house until I get there. I want to see what she had."
18. "At least he made it to 92."
19. "Look in the bright side!"
20. "We all have problems."
21. When telling someone how I believe seeing cardinals is a sign: "That's not theologically possible."
22. "What did you think was going to happen? He was a drug addict!"
23. "Well, you know your father WILL marry again." [weeks after my mom died]
24. "That's life!"
25. "You've lost all of your joy."
26. "Everything happens for a reason."
27. "You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and move-on."
28. "Your sad dreams and nightmares aren't normal."
29. "Wow, they're dropping like flies!" [on hearing of my husband's death]
30. "You're too young to know what real grief is."
31. "I  forgive you for being such a B!@tch. I know you're grieving."
32. "I know how you feel."
33. "G-d never gives you more than you can handle."
34. In reference to a memory of my mum, "Just put it back in the drawer, it doesn't belong here."
35. "I don't want to sound mean, but you need to move forward. She's not coming back."
36. "Don't be sad when there's so much to be grateful for."
37. "G-d needed him more than you do."
38. "She's in a better place."
39. "Well, you're the man of the house now." [said to my 12-year-old son]
40. "I don't want to..."
41. "I am going to hang up now - call me back when you stop crying."
42. "Everyone's just waiting for you to snap because you have to."
43. After our 20 year old daughter died in a traffic accident, a lady said she knew how we felt because their dog had died the week before!
44. "This is a day for celebration!" [at my mom's memorial service]
45. "If I went through everything you did, I'd have killed myself."
46. "That's why you shouldn't have had a lot of kids."
47. "Remember, others have it worse than you!"
48. "At least you're young, you can have another."
49. "Snap out of it! People die."
50. "Give me $20 and I'll give you a workbook."
51. That my loved one who wasn't baptized was floating around in "purgatory."
52. "You can enter the room again when you stop crying."
53. "You're being selfish."
54. "I can't imagine what it was like for your mum when she died."
55. "It was her time."
56. "Even this will pass."
57. "Life should be more than just grief - let it go."
58. When my mother had a moment of feeling better in her final days (i.e., terminal lucidity) the hospice worker told her, "People always feel better just before they die."
59. "Losing your husband is nothing compared to the death of a parent. You can always replace your husband."
60. Six months after the passing of my 18-year-old son, a woman that used to work for our family business (knew us well) walked up to me in the grocery store and asked me which son it was.
61. "Why are you still sad for your son?"
62. Less than 24 hours after my dad passed, his wife said, "He kept saying all day, that he thought you were mad at him because you hadn't called in a week."
63. "This was obviously what she wanted." [about a loved one who died by suicide]
64. Someone I work with asked me if it was a good or bad thing my husband had died.