What It's Like

I can across this message on Facebook on the A Bed For My Heart. This is a site exists as a haven for families who have experienced one of life's cruelest tragedies: the loss of a child, at any age or gestation and from any cause of death. We believe on compassionate grief support, heart to heart, person to person, parent to parent, mom to mom. We believe a hearty mix of compassion, unconditional love and support can make the unbearable, bearable. It can transform horror into honor and legacy. Always remember: you are not alone. Your pain is our pain. We are here to walk with you every step of the way. It is our honor to offer support and solace to thousands of grieving parents worldwide. We believe healing lies in speaking the truth in your heart, both the darkness and the light, both the joy and the sorrow. We believe healing lies in allowing these contradicting emotions to coexist as you dip your toes back into life again, little by little, as you are able. We believe grief lasts forever, just as love lasts forever. Just as it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to support grieving parents through the lifelong grief of losing a child. One feels safe, understood, held - loved.

This message is right on target. Over the past two years, I have felt all of the things below. Some have been stronger at times than others. Some have come at the same time while others have come at different times. But overall, they have been there. They will continue to come and go over the years, but they will be there...FOREVER.

From A Bed For My Heart by Unknown Author 

"People have asked me what's it like to live with a deceased child because they "just can't fathom"... Well let me do my best to explain it in a way that can be understood.

It's being dead but still being able to breathe, barely.

It's like having your entire world thrown into a blender and mixed up to a liquid. Having your heart and lungs ripped out of your body so violently and never put back. Leaving a hole in your chest that will never heal and seeps pain, tears, anger, hate and regret. 

It's like living in a dream that you can never wake up from, except it's a fucking nightmare. A life long fucking nightmare.

It's like having a large glass jar filled with happiness and you drop it on the ground and all the happiness blows away in the wind to never return. 

It's like having a million people around hugging and loving you but you still feel completely alone. Going from having people to talk with to having not one person message or call anymore because they don't know what to say to you...at all, about anything...

It's standing in the kitchen cooking food for the ones still here and crying so hard you can't see yourself burning the food.

Some days its falling to the floor, screaming so hard that no sound comes out and you run out of breath but don't stop screaming until you are hyperventilating and dizzy.

It's a million little demons battling one single tiny angel in your brain, testing to see if you're strong enough or not to survive this. 

It's like always trying to convince yourself that people want you around even though you feel like you're just a placement for convenience in this world and in people's lives. 

Honestly. It's like knowing that your going no to die eventually and embracing it with open arms like a long lost friend. 

It's like this picture below of you holding on with everything you have and feel it all melt away. 

No it doesn't get better. It doesn't get easier. You just learn to live, to survive.