The Masks We Wear

What does your grief mask look like? Do you tell others how you are really feeling? Suppressing your emotions is not healthy in the long run. The following article will help you understand the potential ramifications of "Masked Grief."

MASKED GRIEF

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There are many ways in which people attempt to work through the grieving process. Those who recognize that grief, by definition, is an emotion and make a concerted effort to deal with what is emotionally incomplete in the relationship that has caused their grief, can be very successful in moving forward. Those who try to deal with it strictly from an intellectual standpoint, often find little relief and that they face additional issues as well.

The term Masked Grief relates to those situations where the griever has become so adept at suppressing their feelings of emotional pain that they take on other symptomology. These griever rarely call it by this name, but their stories clearly tell us that this is the issue with which they are dealing.

The vast majority of people have little formal training on how to deal with loss in their lives. Rarely does an adult sit a child down and tell them how to deal with emotional pain. More often than not, children learn how to deal with loss based on what they are told with each grieving experience. Our first encounters with grief, such as the loss of a balloon or a favorite toy, are often discounted by adults as being of little importance. What these adults do not realize is that words they share with us can become I'm bedded tools in how we deal with each future loss.

As adults, we never want to see our children suffer. We tell them such things as "Don't feel bad" and "We will get you a new one" when they lose that balloon or toy. Rather than allowing our children to express and vent that emotional pain, without even realizing it, we are instead encouraging them to suppress it. As life moves on, we suggest to them, when dealing with an emotionally painful event, that they "Be Strong" and "Keep Busy", as a way of dealing with their loss, so that it will hurt less. This really does little to deal with that emotional event, and instead further encourages children to stuff their sad and unhappy feelings inside.

These adults are simply passing on the things that they were told as children themselves. They do not realize that they are passing on what will become lifetime patterns of behavior in how to deal with loss. Just as adults tend to mask and suppress their feelings to be "socially appropriate," we tend to pass this survival pattern into our children, without the thought of the consequences.

Our bodies are designed to process rather than strictly store things.
The human body is designed to be a processing center. We consume and process food to create energy and to fuel our various organs. If we consume more food than necessary, our body stores it as fat. Too much of this fat storage can have negative consequences for our overall health. Likewise, the body is designed to process our emotional experiences. If we suppress, store and mask those emotions deep inside, this can result in negative consequences for our general health as well.

The consequences of stuffing sad emotions
When we continually stuff these feelings of emotional pain, rather than putting voice to them, our bodies tend to send us signals that they are not happy. Some people get headaches, while other respond with intestinal issues and ulcers. I have a good friend who, when emotionally stressed, develops a prominent rash on her chest. Other normal responses to emotional stress can include an increased heart rate, rapid breathing and high blood pressure.

...Such issues are a common sign of suppressed emotions related to an unaddressed grieving experience. Unfortunately, these same symptoms can also be the result of medical issues as well, which means that when we consult a physician, they may very well attempt to approach it as physical problem, rather than a sign of masked grief.

That is why masked grief is such a problem. Failure to identify this common response to loss means that many people are treated strictly for the symptoms, rather than the underlying problem. When we treat the symptoms, rather than the real problem, nothing is done to deal with the underlying emotional pain.

It is in recognizing that these are indeed normal responses to suppressed emotional feelings that the best treatment plan can be followed.

...As one time I used to have severe stomach issues. I never associated this physical problem as being related to how I was dealing with grief in my life. (Like most people, I was stuffing and masking my feelings of sadness.) I consulted physicians who looked in vain for a medical reason to this problem. As I learned to better deal with my own grief, I found that my related stomach issues vanished!

Tips for helping you recognize and cope with grief in a healthy way?

Melinda Smith, M.A., Lawrence Robinson, and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D

When you're grieving, it's more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.

Face your feelings.

You can try to suppress your grief, but you can't avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way.

Write about your loss in a journal. If you've lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person's life; or get involved in a cause or organization tat was important to your loved one.

Try to maintain your hobbies and interests.

There's comfort in routine and getting back to the activities that bring you joy and connect you closer to others can help you come to terms with your loss and aid the grieving process.

Don't let anyone tell you how to feel, and don't tell yourself how to feel either.

Your grief is your won, and no one else can tell you when it's time to "move on" or "get over it." Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It's okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry and not to cry. It's also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you're ready.

Plan ahead for grief "triggers."

Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop and know that it's completely normal. It you're sharing a holiday or life cycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.

Look at your physical health.

The mind and body are connected. When you feel healthy physically, you'll be better able to cope emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don't use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.

Bereaved Parents of the USA