Grateful and Grieving

Tomorrow is our 3rd Thanksgiving without Ian, it still doesn't seem real, our "new normal," or is this just now our "normal". Thanksgiving 2016 was our 1st secular holiday without, our beloved, Ian, making Thanksgiving extra hard for us. Some days, weeks, months, events, celebrations, just things have gotten easier, others have not, and let me stress SOME, in addition to sometimes you just never know which way the day will go.

Before Ian passed away, even on the worst days, sometimes those moments could be turned around with a smile, a giggle, an 'I love you, Mommy', just about anything either Becca or Ian did. Some of those moments were anything but standard or routine -- they were celebrations. A milestone for him, a milestone for all of us. I remember the excitement Becca had when Ian accomplished something and she just had to share with others what he did, her smile, her joy was priceless. His smile beaming as he saw hers. Some of these the happiest moments. Some of my happiest moments with my family were and are built upon a foundation of heartache. Our intense focus on our love for each other, a focus that grew and continues to grow out of not knowing what the future might bring. No matter how much suffering, and how exhausted we became caring for Ian, our love made the experience bearable and meaningful...well at least I can see that now, at the time, I did not always feel that way. 

If I had not experienced the emotional trauma and grief over the years, would I still be the same person I am today? It seems possible, and probable, that many of those moments and memories were accentuated by the pain we experienced during our journey. This realization has allowed me to create a genuine sense of gratitude for our challenges as a family. In addition, this realization has allowed, even in the most difficult times, we have and will experience light, humor, laughter and happiness again. Not despite our challenges, but because of them. In the end, there was no sharp line between loving him in life and grieving him in death. I loved him and grieved him as I held him; I loved him and grieved for him when he was gone. 

I read that "when we want what we don't have, we waste what we do have". To translate that into loss -- related situations -- to want what is no longer in our life is to waste what still remains in our life. Gratitude has the power to help those in mourning more through their loss. It is life affirming. It can provide hope. And, perhaps most important, it can help us accept the past and focus on all that surrounds us now. Gratitude can be one of the most powerful grief healing tools we have. It may sound like an oxymoron: Gratitude and grief are two words whose definitions are as far apart as you can get. So how can it be possible to have BOTH? How can grief be a gift? It may be an unwanted gift, but a gift all the same. It is the gift of grief, the price we have to pay for relationships and the deep love for those we have lost and for that, it may be possible to be grateful. Without the deep love and connections we have had, we would not be grieving. Like any skill worth having or too worth using, gratitude requires practice. Gratitude helps us see our situations in ways that can lessen anxiety, and could expand our thinking. It is noticing the small things that we take for granted. It is being aware. It doesn't mean that we should stop grieving the loss, but there is always a choice in how the loss is played out.

Some Gratitude Quotes to think over:

If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get. ~Frank A. Clark

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~Epictetus

What a miserable thing life is: you're living in clover, only the clover isn't good enough. ~Bertolt Brecht, Jungle of Cities, 1924

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving. ~W.T. Purkiser

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~Thornton Wilder

Who does not thank for little will not thank for much. ~Estonian Proverb

All that we behold is full of blessings. ~William Wordsworth

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude. ~Cynthia Ozick

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. ~Aldous Huxle

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. ~Albert Schweitzer

Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world. ~John Milton

Gratitude is one of the least articulate of the emotions, especially when it is deep. ~Felix Frankfurter

Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind. ~Lionel Hampton

To say we feel grateful is not to say that everything in our lives is necessarily great. It just means we are aware of our blessings. ~Robert Emmon