Hanukkah 2018 - No Isaac

Hanukkah 2018 has come and gone and there was no Isaac to be seen or found amongst our home. Many times over the 8 days of Hanukkah, I thought about Isaac and how he needed to come visit,  but he never came. Maybe he needed a year to gather himself and continue to adjust to our 'normal'. Maybe just maybe, he couldn't make it here...I'm sure Isaac had great reasons for not making an appearance this year. I'm going to say he is taking an extra rest for Hanukkah 2019.

Just as with other holidays this year, we are celebrating our 3rd ones with out Ian. I am definitely finding the 3rd year harder than the 1st and 2nd. Maybe it's because it's been longer since I've seen my handsome baby boy, maybe it's because the reality is becoming more of a reality and we have to continue to 'live' without him. I'm learning there is no right way or wrong way to grieve and continue to move through. I've read many different ways, traditions and such to do in order to remember, continue on but that doesn't change any of it. It doesn't change that we still have to go on, to continue to live when some days all you want to do is stay in bed, in as dark a place as possible. 

For many different reasons this holiday season was difficult. Anxiety, depression, triggers, joy, laughter, memories....all running high. I'm trying hard to believe in kindness and that it's at the root of everything and things are actually attainable. One doesn't have to feel merry or jolly but can be kind to others and can seek out kindness in others. 'Tis the season to be kind, to connect with eaxh other, over simple things, and to care.