What Mother’s Day Is Like For Grieving Moms
First published May 13, 2017
Earlier this week we invited you to speak your truth about Mother's Day. We were flooded with hundreds of responses: the raw truth about what Mother's Day is really like for you -- grieving moms. Moms who often feel there is no place for you anymore on this day. No place for you to honor both what is present and what is missing; no place for both your love and your pain, your gratitude and your sorrow; no place for you as a grieving mother -- at Mother's Day brunches, churches, gatherings, and celebrations. As grieving moms, we often feel left out --forgotten, ignored and misplaced on this day what was in fact founded by bereaved mothers themselves.
We are so honored to feature your collective voices here, to speak your truth, and to honor and celebrate you as a mother. Just as love never dies, the bond between a mother and her child lasts forever. Not even death can take that away. Today (and every day,) we hope you will remember: no matter how long or short your child's life was, you will always and forever be your precious child's mom. ALWAYS.
We hope the voices of these grieving moms will resonate deeply with your broken heart, and that in the sharing of our collective pain, you will feel our arms wrapped tightly around you, hear us whispering, "Me too, me too," and deeply know: You are never, ever alone. Not on Mother's Day, and not on any day of the year.
This Mother's Day we remember you, we honor you, and we celebrate the brave, beautiful mom you are.
On the A Bed For My Heart Facebook page, we asked,
What is Mother's Day like for you?
What do you wish more people understood about?
What it's really like to be a grieving mom on Mother's Day?
Here's what you had to say:
I wish people understood that simply because I have a living child, does not mean the pain of losing my daughter is any less. People see my son, but they can't see the hole in my soul. ~ Alli
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Mother's Day is such a balance between joy and pain for me. I'm relieved to be staying in this year because honestly going out to a nice brunch would bring all of the innocent questions that I just don't want to deal with that day: "Is he your first (my beautiful rainbow son)? How many children do you have?" ~ Christine
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Mother's Day will never be the same, ever again. ~ Susan
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Bittersweet. And I expect it will always be. This will be my second Mother's Day without my daughter, the first was brutal despite loving family, friends and an understanding surviving sibling. Do whatever you need to do, mommas. If people can't or don't understand, they should be grateful. Meanwhile, I will treasure my heavenly daughter as much as my earthly daughter. ~ Cynthia
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The raw truth of what Mother's Day is really life for me: It is very hard to put on a fake smile for my family and get up and go to church and wait for them to ask all mothers to stand up. I am still a mother, but where do I fit in on this day? I wish people would understand that grief doesn't end just because it's been 19 months; I had him for 23 years. I will hold him in my heart until the day I died. I wish people would say his name, remember who he was and how loved he was and still is loved with every breath I take. He lives in me until we meet again. ~ Vicky
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This will be the third Mother's Day without my eldest son. He was 29 when cancer took him away from our lives. I will deeply miss hearing his voice, reading his smart ass card, and feeling his tight grip hug that lifts my feet off the floor. Yet, I treasure more (if that is even possible,) the time spent with my other sons. ~ Robin
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On my first mother's day without my daughter, I went to church. The pastor asked all mothers to stand and be recognized. I only had one child. Was I a mother anymore? I didn't know what to do. My dear friend whose daughter was my daughter's friend took my elbow and helped me up. All I did was cry. Everyone in the church knew why. They tried to comfort me, and they did the best they could. Some years I avoid going on Mother's Day unless my own mom is going, too. One of the nicest mother's day gift came out of the blue that first year from my cousin. It was a bouquet of tulips with a card that said, "Once a mother, always a mother. Happy Mother's Day." ~ Sandy
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If I could, I would shut off my phone, close the blinds, hide, and pretend it was just another day -- but because I have other children, I can't do that. ~ Jennifer
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I will grieve forever until we meet again. ~ Keitha
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I lost my only child 5 years ago, and my mother 39 years ago. Mother's Day has lost all meaning to me. ~ Geri
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Mother's Day for me is that confusing mix of happy and sad, gratitude for my babies who are here with me and the pain of missing the one who isn't. What has helped me get through the day: to have a plan, something lovely to look forward to, a little positive self care. But at the same time, not placing too many expectations on the day or trying to make it the perfect day (a mistake I've made in the past.) I tried to give myself permission to be sad or angry, or to need time alone. And I made sure I spent some quiet moments doing something just for my child who I can't hold in my arms. I wish more people understood that time doesn't heal this one, that Mother's Day will forever be a stark reminder of all I have lost and all that is missing. On Mother's Day, acknowledging my child who died is the greatest gift anyone can give me. ~ Jess Maeve's Mom
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I don't grieve on Mother's Day. I am thankful for the blessing of my three children, one of them of whom died at age 29. I recall the memories of my precious child. I honestly don't think anyone can understand what it's like to lose a child unless they have actually lost a child. As parents, it is unimaginable. Mother's Day is pure gratitude for me. How blessed I am at 66 to have had my son and to still have my two daughters. ~ Donna
This is my first Mother's Day since Lily was stillborn in November. I have no other children and my Mom passed away 12 years ago. Honestly, I want to hide under a rock on Sunday. I wish that other people knew and understood that I am still a Mother and that the day will be extremely hard, but it wouldn't be so hard if they would just mention Lily. I realize that they may think that mentioning it will upset me, but it is much more upsetting if they say nothing. I would appreciate their remembering and mentioning her even though the situation makes me sad. ~ Lynne, Lily's Mom
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Mother's Day is a lonely day for me. I celebrate my mother-in-law and my mother. My only child, Patrick, was 15. We adopted him because we were unable to have children. He was such a joy and happy young man. He was killed by a boy who was playing with a gun. I miss him so much. Our lives have been forever altered in what we do, where we go, our outlook on life, and our faith in everything. ~ Shawna, Patrick's Mom
This is my second Mother's Day without my son, Will. I lost him to heart defect at the age of 27, without warning. Mother's Day brings so many emotions. My mind plays cruel tricks on my heart. I find myself thinking he might call or give me a special sign from beyond this life. My head knows that I will not see him, as I used to, but my heart searches for him in crowds or places he used to like to go. I never knew that the human heart could hold this much pain and continue to beat. On Mother's Day I will go to Will's favorite place and pray he feels my love and I will allow my mind to remember all the Mother's Days of the past when he told me how much he loved me, too. He will always be my son and I will always be his Mom. For that blessing, I will smile through my tears. ~ Lori, Will's Mom
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I hate this day. I have two children still but it's not the same. Last year I had flowers on my deck when I came home from work. My heart was so full thinking that they came from my Nicholas, as he always got me flowers. Of course they were not from him. The rest of the day I just sat and cried. I will never get "love you, mom" from him anymore. I don't know how I can do this anymore. I am still so lost. ~ Rhonda
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I lost my son, Marcus, two years ago this April. Marcus was my only child. He was 43 when he passed. It has been a merry go round for me. One day I am fine and then the next day I am a mess. One thing that is hard for me is to seee other mothers with their children enjoying life with them. I don't know if this is normal, but I am very jealous of them. I will never be able to hug or kiss or physically tell Marcus, "I love you" again. Many people will not talk about Marcus because he passed. They feel like it will bring bad memories. I want people to talk about him. I don't want him to be forgotten. ~ Linda
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It's a fine line I walk on Mother's Day and always. I dread not being able to wrap my arms around my son and hear his voice. And at the same time I am grateful to be able to spend time with my other two children, which makes the days more bearable. I know that I will always carry Ryan in my heart and my love for him transcends time and space... It's - just - so - hard. ~ Victoria, Ryan's Mom
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It's my first Mother's Day without my youngest daughter. I'm not looking forward to it; I cry thinking of it ... still too raw. I don't want to be alone, I know that. ~ Marg
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What Mother's Day is really like for me is a spiral full of emotions and a feeling of emptiness that will never go away. What mothers need to hear is that we are not alone... just someone to listen to goes along way. I hope those hurting this Mother's Day take time from themselves; be kind and gentle to your soul because as a grieving mother it's never easy putting one foot in front of the other no matter how times goes on. ~ Lizzie
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This will be my first Mother's Day as a mother and without my first and only baby. She died three days after birth due to avoidable labor complications. People do not understand this type of loss and it's with deep sadness I'm learning to keep it to myself. Mother's Day in particular I'm guessing will be a day where happy sunshine moms don't want to be reminded of the worse realities some of us have to bear. Those blank faces, empty reassurances, or words of denial are not needed on an already tough day. Or worse the mothers who talk about what a hard job being a mother is. True. I'm guessing being a mother is a hard job. But being a complete childless mother is the most difficult job in all the world! ~ Angela
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I don't like Mother's Day. It is a reminder of everything I have lost and don't have in my life. I wish people would understand on Mother's Day it is much easier for me to just be alone, and do what I need to do for me. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just want people to respect the fact that I need a lot of space on that day. ~Natalie
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On special days/holidays the hole in my heart seems bigger. Evern now with Mother's Day still a few days away the sadness had crept in. My emotions are all over the place trying to balance the happiness and sadness. ~ Kim
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It sucks ass, frankly, not having my mother or my only son with me anymore. I honestly just have to survive the days leading up to it and the actual day doesn't seem as bad as the days before. What I wish people would do is not forget me because I seriously just feel forgotten about on Mother's Day. It's my 3rd one since Dalton passed and every year I think, wow, here I am, I made through despite those days where I can't even function. We are in the club that nobody asked to be in and what I don't know for sure is we are strong, brave, bad ass moms. ~ Sherri
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On this earth, I am a motherless child and a childless mother. That makes Mother's Day nearly unbearable. People are so used to seeing the brightly colored, happy advertisements from every store, flower shop, and card company each May that they don't realize how much those reminders can hurt someone who is grieving. Social media fills with pictures of moms and kids celebrating. Those reminders are a slap in the face of all the things I can't have or do anymore, with my mother or as a mother myself. It can be one dagger in the heart after another. By the end of the day, I'm emotionally exhausted and drained. I am the sad story, the one people murmur about out of earshot. They thank God they're not me. I don't blame them. There are many days I don't want to be me, either. ~ Amy
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I had one child: a beautiful, loving kind daughter named Zoe Mikaela. I miss her so much and don't care for Mother's Day anymore. I cry and feel lonely and heartsick everyday, but that day is the worst! The first year people rallied round, of course, but by the second year, one person remmbered. Now I don't care if anyone cares. I guess I am becoming bitter. I don't know what to do about it! People around me think I am okay, but I am not. I smile and do all the happy brave face shit! -- but I'm getting tired. ~ Sharon, Zoe's Mom
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Mother's Day feels like it mocks my pain, this year in particular. Motherhood was the greatest thing that ever happened to me... Mother's Day reminds me that I am not the mother I once was because a part of me will always be missing. ~ Rebecca
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This is my first Mother's Day without my beloved son. Right now I am struggling with everything. I try to be strong for those around me but the pain is tryly unimaginable. ~ Donna
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I miss my son Matthew not just on Mother's Day, but every moment of the day. He made me laugh and I was so proud of the young man he was becoming. No one should ever have to bury their child. ~ Lana
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Mother's Day is one of the most confusing days of the year for me. I ache to have all my children with me... At the end of the day when they are tucked into bed and I'm finally free to feel all my emotions, I sob... I wish all my kiddos were here to love me this day. ~ Sara
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Mother's Day is bittersweet for me. I remember when my kids were younger, they would make me breakfast and serve me in bed. Crunchy eggs and burnt toast were standard fare, but I loved it. My son passed away at 21, and this year will mark 10 years since he left. Thinking about those memories right now makes me cry. I just miss him so much. I miss his face, his voice, and his stupid jokes. This year has been especially hard because it has been so long. I can't get my head around it.
A big thank you to all the beautiful mothers who shared their broken open hearts with us.
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