Keep Your Eye on the Ball
Is there an idiom which sticks out in your mind? You remember the time you heard it, the event you heard it at, it may not be the first time you heard the idiom but this is the time when you remember it sticking out. Maybe it's "Best thing since sliced bread" or "Cross that bridge when you come to it" or "As easy as ABC" or "Get your act together" or "A little birdie told me" or "Curiosity killed the cat". Just a few... For me it's ...
The first time I remember hearing it was 30+ years ago at my cousin's Bat Mitzvah. I'm sure I heard it many times before that but this is the first time I remember it sticking out. I do believe "Keep Your Eye on the Ball" was the theme of her Bat Mitzvah. I even think the favors were t-shirts with a little girl holding a ball to her eye. This came to be when Julie was little and my uncle was teaching her to catch, he would say "Julie, 'keep your eye on the ball'". So what would any toddler do, walk over to the ball, pick it up and hold it up to their eye. And that is exactly what Julie did...
The purpose of my blog has changed gears since Ian has passed. Initially the blog was a way to keep others informed and up to date on Ian, our family as well as bringing awareness to PCH1A and rare diseases. Now, it's become a way for me a part of my grief journey, a way for me to express my emotions, mostly through articles others have written about grief, rare diseases, child loss, bereavement and/or living through unimaginable. Keeping in touch, maintaining relationships with those who have passed in one way people continue to live.
During the past few months, I had another aha moment. I began to realize that over the past years I have been feeling OK; just OK. I wanted to feel better. To start feeling like the "new" me as I will never be who I was before, before diagnosis, before all the hospitalizations, before all the days; before Ian passed. I often think about things as before and after, July 2009, April 2010, July 2012, January 2013, and September 15, 2016. I started reaching out to friends more often. I started doing things I enjoy, some I did before and some I've wanted to do but for many different reasons haven't. I had some changes made to some of my medicines, this has made a big difference. Seizing the day is not just another idiom. I am aware at every moment just how brief our time here is, and I am beginning to seize the crap out of it.
Common Signs Our Passed Loved Ones Send Us - a topic I had never thought of before. Dreams, Numbers, Signs Through Animals, Signs Through Small Objects, Movement, Electricity, Buzzing in your Ear, Synchronicities, Fragrances, Music, Sensing Their Presence, and Thoughts. In his own way, Ian has been sending signs, some to me but mostly to others who have been sharing them with me. A few weeks ago, while driving to work, I was behind a car with the license plate "BEATLES". Ian enjoyed listening to the Beatles because Mommy enjoyed listening to them. However, I haven't listened to them, well since he passed away.
On Monday, May 13th, (Sunday, May 12th was Mother's Day), I awoke to a Facebook message from one of Ian's personal assistants, Kenny. Kenny was with Ian the longest out of all the personal assistants he had, actually Kenny was Ian's last personal assistant before Ian went back to school with nursing care. Back to the message, here it is:
Over the years, before he passed and after, many people have shared with me all the Spider-man sightings they have had. Ian will forever be remembered for his love of Spider-man, Spider-Ian. In his own way, he is letting us know that he's OK and doing well. I would much prefer he came directly to me but I'll take what I get.
"Keep Your Eye On The Ball"
to give your attention to what you are doing at the time.The first time I remember hearing it was 30+ years ago at my cousin's Bat Mitzvah. I'm sure I heard it many times before that but this is the first time I remember it sticking out. I do believe "Keep Your Eye on the Ball" was the theme of her Bat Mitzvah. I even think the favors were t-shirts with a little girl holding a ball to her eye. This came to be when Julie was little and my uncle was teaching her to catch, he would say "Julie, 'keep your eye on the ball'". So what would any toddler do, walk over to the ball, pick it up and hold it up to their eye. And that is exactly what Julie did...
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL
A few weeks ago, on a Friday night, I was at my uncle's house, sitting with him, in his office. He was laying on the sofa, watching TV and dozing on and off. I was sitting on the floor, listening to the TV, coloring on my tablet and looking around at all the family photos displayed in his office. One of them was Julie from her Bat Mitzvah. It brought me back to
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL
I hadn't thought about that saying in a very long time. Over the years, other idioms resonated with me. But now it was back to....
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL
I started thinking about the meaning behind the idiom. You know "to give your attention to what you are doing at the time". Over the years, I had
realizing but not realizing this is what I was doing. Stay motivated. Stay focused on where you want to go and what you want to do. What do you need to do to advocate for - your family, your children - to get them what they need, no matter what it takes. Wait, hold on, hasn't that been the last 17+ years for me. Stay engaged, what's your purpose and what do you need to get there. What insight. It was an aha moment for me. Time for me to start figuring out what the next steps are for me and what needs to be done to
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL
Staying motivated and focused, paying attention to what you are doing. I was back... Imagine having a hard day, a hard few days, a hard few weeks. In your heart and in your mind you know things are about to happen, a loved one is on hospice and you know what that means. Before you know it, the call will come, they have passed. You've started to prepare yourself for all that comes with the phone call - you have to
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL
prepare - the funeral, the service, the cemetery, the final physical moment, the shiva house and the emptiness that follows after. The day will come. And with each moment, it takes me back, back to Ian, the emotions, the final physical moment - back to it all... We've known for a long time it would; the prognosis has always been poor. It is a different way to look at
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL
Not how one would think about it, yet, I will need to stay focused to get through it, for me, for Brian, for Becca, for my mom...to figure it out. Because the call will come.
The purpose of my blog has changed gears since Ian has passed. Initially the blog was a way to keep others informed and up to date on Ian, our family as well as bringing awareness to PCH1A and rare diseases. Now, it's become a way for me a part of my grief journey, a way for me to express my emotions, mostly through articles others have written about grief, rare diseases, child loss, bereavement and/or living through unimaginable. Keeping in touch, maintaining relationships with those who have passed in one way people continue to live.
During the past few months, I had another aha moment. I began to realize that over the past years I have been feeling OK; just OK. I wanted to feel better. To start feeling like the "new" me as I will never be who I was before, before diagnosis, before all the hospitalizations, before all the days; before Ian passed. I often think about things as before and after, July 2009, April 2010, July 2012, January 2013, and September 15, 2016. I started reaching out to friends more often. I started doing things I enjoy, some I did before and some I've wanted to do but for many different reasons haven't. I had some changes made to some of my medicines, this has made a big difference. Seizing the day is not just another idiom. I am aware at every moment just how brief our time here is, and I am beginning to seize the crap out of it.
Common Signs Our Passed Loved Ones Send Us - a topic I had never thought of before. Dreams, Numbers, Signs Through Animals, Signs Through Small Objects, Movement, Electricity, Buzzing in your Ear, Synchronicities, Fragrances, Music, Sensing Their Presence, and Thoughts. In his own way, Ian has been sending signs, some to me but mostly to others who have been sharing them with me. A few weeks ago, while driving to work, I was behind a car with the license plate "BEATLES". Ian enjoyed listening to the Beatles because Mommy enjoyed listening to them. However, I haven't listened to them, well since he passed away.
On Monday, May 13th, (Sunday, May 12th was Mother's Day), I awoke to a Facebook message from one of Ian's personal assistants, Kenny. Kenny was with Ian the longest out of all the personal assistants he had, actually Kenny was Ian's last personal assistant before Ian went back to school with nursing care. Back to the message, here it is:
"Good morning. I hope this message finds you well!! I had an awesome experience this morning that I would love to share with you, Ian came to me in my Dream. I kept seeing an older teen boy riding past me in a wheelchair. He did it 3 times, always coming from the right side of me to the left. So the next time he rode past, I grabbed him and picked him up. I wasn't afraid at all. I grabbed the boy and then realized that it was Ian. I started crying. Shook him. He wasn't breathing. I rubbed his head. He was sweating. I kissed his cheek. Then suddenly he started smiling!! I screamed, 'Ian, Ian, I love you.' He just smiled. I said, 'I love you.' He whispered, 'I know.' And he hugged me and said, 'I love you too.' I said, 'Your Mom, Dad and sister misses you too.' He said. 'I know! Tell Mommy, Dad and Becca, and my Dog, that I love them. I see them and that I love them all very much. I love my family.' I asked him to come back. He just said, 'I'm good.' I said, 'Why did you leave us?' He said, 'That he doesn't know, I'm good.' I woke up, sweating and my hands were wet from me touching his head. My friend said for 30 minutes, I was talking to someone in my sleep!! I've never experienced anything like this before in my life. But as long as I know, that our 'Lil Buddy' is OK, I'm good with that. Enjoy your day. Mine will be great."
Kenny and I exchanged a few more messages back and forth. In one, Kenny said, "He said he sees you. Did you have a dog? He mentioned a dog?" That hit me, I'm sure at one point and time Kenny knew we had a dog, but that dog would have been Joey, not Caddie. It was great to hear from Kenny and know that Ian's OK, even if he didn't personally come to me.
Two others, my mother (Nana) and my sister's mother-in-law (Bubby), both shared their instances with me of when Ian came to them, their instances were similar to each other.
Two others, my mother (Nana) and my sister's mother-in-law (Bubby), both shared their instances with me of when Ian came to them, their instances were similar to each other.
Standing in the kitchen, I closed my eyes. Some glittery colorful spots were in front of me, they split apart and there was a single large white spot. The white spot faded away and there stood Ian, next to his wheelchair, tall, dark brown hair, and handsome.
Over the years, before he passed and after, many people have shared with me all the Spider-man sightings they have had. Ian will forever be remembered for his love of Spider-man, Spider-Ian. In his own way, he is letting us know that he's OK and doing well. I would much prefer he came directly to me but I'll take what I get.
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