Mourning the Passage of Time

What's Your Grief

I'll be a year older next week as far as my license is concerned. That's a fancy
way of saying it's almost my birthday. Though I wouldn't say I look upon the
day with dread, I've reached the point in my life where I'm never terribly thrilled
to mark the passage of time.

Whether it's my dog, my dad, or one of my daughters getting a year older --
I greet milestones with mixed emotions. Yes, I know good things come with
getting older and that the future is filled with possibilities (yadda yadda),
but ultimately, I'm someone who would maybe like to see what it's like for time
to stand still for a little while.

I know those of you who have found peace with the passage of time may be thinking
I'm being a little shortsighted, but I suspect just as many of you agree. When
people are asked about the losses they grieve, inevitably someone shares something
like "the passage of time" or "getting older" or "the feeling that memories of my
loved one are fading."

Furthermore, I'd like to point out that a person can be content with the present
and/or excited about the future and still mourn the past. For example, I love the
relationship I have with my daughter now that she is older and independent,
I'm excited for the possibilities that lie ahead of her in the future, but I also miss
when she was a cute and cuddly little 4-year-old. If one is to fully embrace life
and the people in it at different life stages, then they will also have to learn
to mourn the past while also appreciating the present.

Experiencing a sense of loss over the passage of time and, perhaps, getting
older is extremely common. Though we can't present a list of all the reasons
why this might be so, we'd like to discuss a few of the more common time-related
losses that a person may experience.

DECEASED LOVED ONES GROW MORE DISTANT

Being that we are a grief website, this is the most logical place to start because

many of our readers are grieving the death of someone very important and

significant. People who are grieving are especially susceptible to feeling grief

over the passage of time because they may grapple with the sense that they

put more distance between themselves and their deceased loved one with

every year that goes by.

Not only may it feel disconcerting to think, “It’s been ‘X’ amount of years since

my loved one was here on Earth”, one may also struggle with the sense that their

memories are fading. Though some memories seem vivid, others grow hazy, and

it becomes more difficult to recall sensory memories like the sound of their loved

one’s voice, the smell of their hair, or the feel of their embrace.

OUR MEMORIES OF THE PAST GROW MORE DISTANT

As noted above, fading memories may feel especially troubling to someone who is

grieving because, in many ways, it can feel like this is all a person has. That said,

grief over the loss of memories can impact anyone -- grieving or not.

I, for one, am excessively nostalgic for the past -- obviously, because I miss

my mother -- but I also really miss shopping malls and phones that

attach to the wall and the original Full House. I don’t like the sense that my

memories of the past are slipping away or, in many cases, gone.

Research has shown that even our strongest memories change and degrade

with time and it can feel disconcerting to lose memories for things that seemed

significant and important. There is a mournful kind of yearning in trying to

reconstruct the people, places, and moments of the past.

TIME SEEMS TO FLY BY AS WE GET OLDER

Do you ever feel like the older you get, the quicker time seems to pass? Well,

it turns out there are real scientific reasons for that! Though physical time is an

objective fact, ‘mind time’ -- i.e. your perception of time -- is a little more

subjective as you get older, mind time seems to speed up. I will let someone

much smarter explain it via a quote from this article:

“Time is happening in the mind’s eye. It is related to the number of mental

images the brain encounters and organizes and the state of our brains as we

age. When we get older, the rate at which changes in mental images are perceived

decreases because of several transforming physical features, including vision,

brain complexity, and later in life, degradation of the pathways that transmit

information. And this shift in image processing leads to the sense of time

speeding up.”

And another from this article:

“The more familiar the world becomes, the less information your brain writes down,

and the more quickly time seems to pass. “Time is this rubbery thing...it stretches

out when you really turn your brain resources on, and when you say, ‘Oh, I got

this, everything is as expected,’ it shrinks up.””

So year, as we get older, it truly seems like we’re losing time faster.

PLACES CHANGE

Some people don’t mind seeing non-human things like places and objects

change. I am not one of those people. Not only do I feel that certain places and

objects have a spirit all their own, but they are the props and backdrops involved

in my most cherished memories. If you’re like me, you get it. We’ve written

a bit on this topic so if you’re looking for most check out these articles:

• Saying Goodbye to a Home and Grieving Places Past
• More Than Just a Teapot: The Items that Connect Past to Present
• Sentimentality and Holding Onto Items
• Small Remembrances and Expressions of Love

WE CHANGE AS WE GROW OLDER.

Aging is a mixed bag. Many people feel that as they age they become wiser,

stronger, less stressed (at a certain age), better at recognizing what matters,

better at managing social conflicts, better at managing emotions, and so on.

In fact, many say that their happiness has increased as they have grown older.

At the same time, aging brings many physical and cognitive changes that may

Cause a person to mourn for a time when they felt more healthy, independent,

And indestructible. Again, a person doesn’t have to feel entirely one way or the

Other. It is possible to appreciate the growth you’ve experienced with age, while

Also wishing you could scan a restaurant menu without your cheaters.

Changing roles and sense of purpose: Another way people change is in

the roles they inhabit, so as time goes on a person may grieve the loss of

certain roles and/or a sense of purpose. For example, a stay-at-home parent

may grieve their sense of purpose when they enter retirement after a long career.

As they say, when one door closes another one opens, so there may now be time

for new roles and purpose, but this doesn’t mean you won’t experience grief over

things that have changed.  

OTHER PEOPLE CHANGE

Though you may feel the changes in your own reflection are gradual, the changes

you observe in others can sometimes seem rapid. Kids grow into adults and parents

grow elderly in a blink of an eye. People get sick, people get born, people die,

and our friends come and they go. Such changes can cause a person to experience

losses related to death, distance, estrangement, anticipatory grief, and grief over

the transformation of a person who is still present.