The Days Our Lives Changed...

10 years ago our lives changed, 7 years ago our lives changed, each day in between our lives changed, each day before and each day after. As July 4th is upon us, the memories come back. 10 years ago, Ian showed his first major signs of disease progression where we knew something major was going on. What exactly that something major was would not come out until 3 years later, 7 years ago we found out what that was...Pontocerebellar Hypoplasia Type 1A. There are good memories of July 4th weekends as well ... Coming home from seeing fireworks, the twins in the backseat, all you hear is Ian scream, I did it, I did it! What did he do; he pulled out his tooth! Then we hear, Oh, no! What happened for Ian to say "Oh, no"? After he pulled out his tooth, in all of his excitment, he dropped his tooth. When we got home, he made us look for it. We did not find it and had a very sad Ian on our hands who was afraid that the tooth fairy would not come if there was not tooth under his pillow. We told him that we would make sure to let the tooth fairy know and she would still come regardles of the tooth being under his pillow. Yes, she came that night. And I do believe that was his first tooth loss. Another memory comes to mind as I am typing this, watching fireworks with family and friends, seeing Becca and Ian sitting on a towel in the grass with Mackenzie and Josh having their arms around each other. Oh but there are the memories of the fear of that time 10 years ago and 7 years ago. I'm sure that fear will come and go over the years as July 4th comes and goes every year. I also know that new memories will come as time goes on.  But I will always...

Pucker Mob
Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face -- I know it's an impossibility, but I cannot help myself. -- Nicholas Sparks

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. You're often on my mind and I can't help but wonder how different life would be if you were still with walking, breathing, living on earth with us. I miss you so much. 

I think about all the things we could be doing together, the special moments we could be sharing and the new memories we could be creating. I wonder about the different path our lives would be on if you were still around and it breaks me inside to realize it's all wishful thinking.

My heart is still foreign to the idea of not having you around.

I catch myself trying to call you, an involuntary reaction to my desperate need of not wanting to accept that you're gone. It hurts, it burns my soul and I try to keep it together, but the truth is, I carry a heavy heart and I don't know if I'll ever recover.

I know that life should go on and that with time the pain will subside. I know you wouldn't want me to live my life in grief and pain but I can't help to shed tears when our memories still feel so recent and so real. I'm just not ready to go on with my life while I still carry you so close to my heart. 

Maybe I'm afraid to forget every single second we spent together, the sound of your voice, your laugh and even the deepness of your eyes. 

Even if I don't think that could ever be possible, I fear that if I ever come to terms with your departure, the memory of you will fade away. 

So, I'm sorry I can't move on, I'm sorry I cry at night and hope for the impossible. I can't turn back time and bring you back, but at least I can try to retain every single memory of you fresh in mind for longer. 

I have to believe that you're watching me from heaven. I'd like to think that you're an angel protecting and guarding us all. 

I promise to continue living my life have honoring yours. Whatever I do and wherever I go, I'll always feel your sparkle in my heart. I hope to make you proud and that whenever you are, you're able to feel how much I remember you and love you.